Thoughts on the Day 2/8/18

Change, change and change again...

I used to be a huge resister of change, like dig my heels in fight it tooth and nail and convince myself that I was happy, safe and secure right where I was...  Ah but the Universe, she don't fall for any of the horseshit....  Nope, no way.  And if you continue to ignore and/or fight it, well it will go on for a long damn time.  Just saying.  Learning how to navigate and move through change without losing your mind takes practice (there's that word again) and determination and a little bit of blind faith and trust that once you get past the change that something better is there, right there waiting for you.  The trick is to try and stay open while you are going through whatever it is that you going through.  

I've been through some shitstorms in my time here on earth.  Like hold on Bessie the ride is going to scare the bejeebus out of you, so buckle up bitch.  A big one when I was young and an even bigger one when I was so not so young...  This picture above is from June 2009.  I was still hobbling my way through that "holy shit" big change.  You know they say that certain events in life can create elevated stress levels if one of them happens.  Well in the matter of 3 short weeks I had not one, not two, not three, but FOUR major life changes and my boat wasn't rocked that fucker sank.  A lot of the reason I made it through is that woman sitting next to me on that bench in a lovely little town in Italy.  

Suffice it to say that meeting her changed my life.  I flew across the country to meet her after talking on the phone and stayed with her in her home in Brooklyn for a few days.  Then I signed up for her yoga and wine retreat in Italy and flew across the world all by myself to a country where I didn't speak the language and didn't really know where the hell I was going other than Italy.  After being up for over 32 hours and finally making it to my room for the night, I promptly sat on the bed in that really nice room and had myself a big ole panic attack.  Then I tried to lay down and get some rest before showering and going off to meet another woman who was coming to the retreat, whom I had never met before.  Sadie, my friend in the picture, connected us up ahead of time, we chatted via email for a bit and then scheduled a meet up for a little walk and some food.  She had been to Rome before thankfully because that city is one big circular hot mess.  The streets don't connect, there aren't many street signs and I was panicked I would lose my way and not be able to speak to anyone who could understand me.  We ended up having a great time talking and walking and taking pictures of all the sites and finding the little hole in the wall place that the woman in my building recommended.  It set the tone for the rest of the trip.   She even helped me find my way back to my room for the night, I never would have found it alone.

I was dealing with a very unhappy SI joint for a couple of weeks before I left so I was still in a bit of pain, but this was a life changing trip for me.  The first time I had ever flown internationally by myself, the first yoga retreat I had ever been on and I was way outside my comfort zone.  I met the most amazing people, had a tremendous time, had one of the most interesting massages I have ever had and experienced the confusion of toilets that are not uniformly created to flush ever.  It was a mystery in every bathroom we went to in Italy how to flush, how to turn on the water and the bidet's, don't even get me started.  I flew into Germany twice on that trip and I have to love the German's and their efficiency, even with their toilet flushing....  

I came back from this trip to more uncertainty than I wanted but something shifted while I was there and I knew without a doubt I would be okay, it might take a bit but I would make it through.  I would love to tell you that things were steady after this and while that would be neat and tidy, that certainly isn't the case.  My life since has been in flux, not all of the time always, but in a lot of ways not settled for the most part.  While I have adjusted to the waves of the last nine years, I still haven't felt like I have come to the place of "arriving".  I am still a work in progress, still asking all the questions and especially the last 3.5 years dealing with multiple health crises has been all about survival more than anything else.  I have learned to be okay with not having all of the answers, leaping off the cliff and trusting I will find my wings on the way and to trust in myself above all else.  

As my health has stabilized, I have found a sense of calm, found a care provider that has empowered me rather than treated me like a child or just thrown one pharmaceutical after the next in an attempt to heal me.  My day job while not what I would say is my dream job, it is filled with people that I truly like and enjoy working with in an environment that I feel comfortable in.  My yoga still after 15 years gives me a sense of purpose and service to others and I feel that I am still engaged to keep learning and growing as an instructor.  My passion project that I am slowly creating and morphing over time is creating a space for my creativity, continued learning and forming a connection that I haven't had in a very long time.  I am excited about where it will lead and I find myself in a much different space than I ever anticipated I would be, slow and steady...  I am soooo not the slow and steady girl, as my friend Cyn said years ago, "your slow and steady is most people's warp speed!", but I am working at a much slower pace for me.  It has taught me all sorts of things along the way and I feel, if not lucky to have been through the fire of hell and back with change, at least a sense of peace and knowing that whatever it is that comes along next, I will do my best to handle it with grace, grit, acceptance and as much peace as I can muster.  And some really salty language when I'm having a rough moment in time.

Accept the change, be the change, flow with the change, be one with the change grasshopper.  Or just buckle up and hold on with all your might and ride it out and learn something along the way.

Peace

XO

Titanium

Woman of the Week: Lily

Welcome to this weeks Woman of the Week... 

This is a new thing I am working on with a group I formed on Facebook for my Unapologetically You tribe.  Filled with amazing and cool women whom I have met over the years.  My goal is to help them all live an authentic, intentional and unapologetic lives, following their dreams, passions, struggles and victories with support and connection from a group.  There are many different ages in this group, many more in mid-life and older than younger.  Lily is the youngest one of the group and my oldest niece.  The photo above was taken several years ago by her mom and it always made me think of Alice in Wonderland for some reason.

Lily is 20, away at college for her sophomore year and one of the coolest women you could ever meet.  She may be young but she has incredible wisdom and drive.  She has the sass of all of the women in our family and in many ways is the female version of my youngest brother, her father.  She has an innate sense of cool and and I cannot wait to see her grow and change over the years.  Below is a short interview I did with her over text message before a basketball game.  Lily is tall, 6'1" and plays basketball and has for years.  She plays at a junior college and they are moving into the year end tourney undefeated.  The classic Lily that I will always remember is watching her play one of her final games in high school and seeing her play a tough game with a big smile on her face, she loves it that much.  

I sent her a text to let her know she was the featured guest for WOW (Woman of the Week) on Wednesday and her response was:  "Awh!!!  I'm honored"  I then told her I had a new idea about doing a blog post at the same time as a feature on the group page and asked if I could send her some interview questions.  "Yeah!" was her response.  So here goes:

What's the biggest thing you have learned so far in your college career, being away from home for the first time, school, life etc, whatever resonates?  "How to persevere.  My freshman year I had a lot of curveballs thrown at me and learning how to not just give up and let them define me was really hard at first.  When I realized I need to make sure I continue bettering myself and learning from my mistakes the curveballs became minuscule parts of my life.  My sophomore year has been nothing but positives and I believe I have become the hardest working version of myself to date."

What if any failures that you have had taught you about yourself?  "I had a point in time where I was super down on myself and was very isolated.  I wasn't sure where I wanted to go with my life and it was really taking a toll on my happiness.  It definitely taught me that I am in charge of my life and I can either make things happen for myself, or sleep on my dreams.  Nothing is handed to us and hard work will always pay off with rewards.  I'm not someone who could ever work a mediocre job and be happy knowing what I could be doing out in the world.  I will forever be the person who is working to make their dreams come true and taking every downfall as a lesson as well as a growth opportunity.  Life without failures is too safe of a life for me!  I know I'm not pushing myself hard enough if I'm not failing."

Who's your biggest inspiration?  "Definitely my parents.  They always work hard to make sure whatever vision or dream I have is made possible.  They made it possible for me to come down to Oregon to play basketball, and right now we are working on making it possible for me to continue school in Portland with my best friends.  They are amazing people and I can't wait to be this generous and caring to my kids someday."

What is it about basketball that keeps you playing?  "The feeling of success.  Last year we had the best record in the league and chose the wrong day to have a bad day.  We lost our end of season tournament in the semi-finals.  Nothing has ever felt as terrible as that when we knew we deserved the 1st place trophy.  I didn't play as much as I wanted and my coach didn't seem to like me so much last year, but I was determined to be a key part on the team.  Even if it was just going hard in practice to make the starters better.  Everyone wants to be a star on game day but the days that really matter are the days we need to work our hardest, like Monday practices when no one is sitting in the stands.  This year I've worked harder and have tried to get better every day.  I have a better relationship with my coach and teammates and although I still don't play 40 minutes a game, I feel a part of something big and all of our mindsets are set on that 1st place trophy.  We're undefeated in our season 23-0."

Any ideas on what you want to do with your education?  "In high school and my freshman year of college, I had counselors that weren't sure on how to give direction and organize my schedule to make sure I had the greatest success.  I struggled because of it and felt super lost with what I wanted to do or where I wanted to end up.  I had to do most of that stuff on my own, which can be stressful and sooo confusing, especially at my age.  How am I supposed to know what I want to do for the rest of my life?!  After a long talk with my new counselor I would like to continue my education to become a school counselor and basketball coach.  Now that I've gotten the hang of organizing my life I am inspired to help other kids who feel lost find their path.  I always knew I wanted to have a career where I can help people and this seems to be something very fitting of who I am.  Being a basketball coach would also be so rewarding as I love working with athletes that have a determined mindset and want to get better everyday and I want to help them do that."

I thanked her and she thanked me and told me it was a cool idea to do the blog post interviews.  A couple of things Lily Bean, what you decide to do now will absolutely not be the only thing you do for the rest of your life.  That is the biggest misnomer that kids in high school get directed with...  I would tell any kid trying to find their way to take some classes, live some life, maybe do a gap year and learn about things outside their daily life and gain some experiences and know that whatever you do decide to start with can always change whenever you want it to.  Reinvention is the name of the game baby.  Though Lily will probably not keep playing college basketball at the same level, she will keep playing and I have absolutely no doubt that she will make a tremendous coach and counselor.  She is a natural leader on the court and will pass on all of her passion and drive to anyone who has the great fortune to play for her.  She is compassionate and positive and I trust she will be of service to anyone who has her as a counselor.  I love you Lily and am so proud of you, thank you for sharing.

That is this weeks Woman of the Week, I plan to make this a recurring event each week, the questions will change some but the intent is the same, to share the wisdom of so many amazing women, to celebrate, uplift and support them.

XO

Titanium

Thoughts on the Day 2/6/18

"If you want a happy ending, it depends on where you stop the story"

~Orson Welles~

I have been thinking a lot about stories, stories about people, their lives, the journey, the happy and the sad, the excitement and depths.  I've been thinking about my own story and the many things showing up from the deep recesses of my memories.  I believe that big ass full moon/eclipse last week stirred up some shit for several days before and it is still doing some swirling.  I'm all for a good swirl now and then and man has it taken some hard work on my part to keep it all in perspective and to process it as much as I can and move through.  Adjust those sails baby.

I have been thinking about my story and how it has in some aspects defined me, probably more than I want to admit.  I find it a conundrum when I think about how my story is what brought me to this party so to speak, but honestly I don't want to go home with the defining me part of it.  Why you might be wondering, well if I do that than it limits me and I hate to be limited.  So I have a mantra, You are your only limit!  Personal freedom is big for me, HUGE in fact, so I have to have conversations with myself about not limiting myself, about the lack of belief and trust in myself.  I don't want to limit my perception of the present moment, my potential and most importantly my sense of self. 

I have been spending some time in the last few months learning about ways to stay more present in the moment, to live with more intention and to move beyond the survival mode that has been a theme in various parts of my life (especially the last 3.5 years) to a space of thriving.  Don't get me wrong, without my story of my past, I wouldn't have endured the circumstances responsible for creating who I have become.  At the same time I have become acutely aware that by letting my past story define me, by holding on to what did and didn't happen in my life, I am not allowing myself to fully experience life for what it is in this very moment.  I have been working for some time to release expectations, it's sounds easier than it is.  I am in the middle of learning to use my story as a way to learn from my experiences and rewrite the script.  I am learning to be more open, be more vulnerable than ever before and stay open to possibility and the potential for something magical and wonderful to happen.

I was having a conversation with a dear friend that I have known since high school, that is a long ass time ago, believe me.  We both have experienced a lot of change in our lives, had to learn some hard lessons, collected some hard won wisdom and experience.  Change is ever present and I had to learn the very hard way several years ago that resisting only made it worse.  No matter how permanent something might feel, no matter what sense of security you believe you have built for yourself, things can and do change.  I had to learn to ride those waves and fell off my surf board a lot of times along the way.  As with anything I have learned it is all a practice, you can draw from what you know, but the biggest thing is to stay open and receptive to what is coming through.  Shutting down will only limit you, hold you back and create a bigger source of angst, anxiety and pain.  

While I hope that by sharing my stories it may help others on their own journey for creating a story filled with the NOW of their lives and less with the definition of the past, I also don't want to be trapped by them.  I learned some shit, I will share it in the hopes it helps someone, anyone find their own way.   Life is filled with stories, story telling is huge throughout time immortal.  Passed on for generations, filtered through the lens of whoever is telling them.  While they may be engrossing, illuminating and interesting, we also have to remember that there is always two sides to any story and in many cases multiple sides to any story.  Perception, it's all about perception.  So keep that in mind if you are doing some ruminating on your own personal story, about what defines you, are you living fully present in the moment, stepping forward into your light, bringing all of your brilliance out for others to see.  Are you allowing yourself to stretch and grow beyond what was into what is?

Power to the NOW!

XO

Titanium

Thoughts on the Day 2/5/18

Authenticity

Defined by Merriam Webster:  True to one's own personality, spirit, or character.  Is sincere and authentic with not pretentiousness.  NOT FALSE

As a yoga instructor, one of my goals is to help my students find their own authenticity on the mat.  Meeting themselves right where they are in the moment they step on the mat with me leading the class.  My intention is to create a space where they can be humble, honest and curious about where they are in any given moment, whether they are on the mat or off it out in the wilds of their day.  To let go of expectations, stories about where they were the last time they stepped on the mat, what their practice "should" look like and just be present with what is.  For some that is a real challenge, for some the old stories follow them on the mat, through their life and they become defined by it so much that they have lost touch with their own body.  I meet a lot of students who don't live in their bodies anymore, whether it be due to physical pain, emotional pain, or trauma.  I have been blessed to be witness to several people who were walking around either off to the side or behind themselves come fully back into their body while they are practicing yoga.  It is a gift that usually passes unnoticed by most and I rarely call attention to it as I do not want anyone to feel self conscious or to lose that tenuous connection.  

I believe that being authentic is a practice just like yoga, meditation or any other thing in life that we deal with.  While it might sound strange or contradictory to consider authenticity as something we need to practice, it is indeed a practice.  While some may say, "how can we be anyone other than who we truly are?", I have witnessed enough inauthentic behavior to know how challenging it can be at times to live that life fully and completely.  If we truly look at ourselves, we have to admit that there are filters and stories that influence our understanding of who we truly are.  Our story can include insecurities, judgments, expectations and all of the external messages that cause us to feel as if we are "NOT ENOUGH".  Thus, the practice of authenticity is just like exercising any other muscle in the body, it takes diligent effort, patience, curiosity, compassion, empathy and growth.  It doesn't happen on its own, you can't wish it into being and certainly can't go out and buy that shit either.  

For some just finding their own voice, stepping outside of the stories they or others have created for them is scary as hell.  Some have been defined by those stories for so long they don't have any real frame of reference to who they really are.  It takes bravery to move beyond that.  It takes firmly being in the present moment, it takes vulnerability which is not very accepted nor celebrated in our present society.  I would offer that it is imperative to find someone(s) you trust to have in your back pocket to call upon as touch stones.  It becomes all to easy to present a persona, craft a mask to wear when we feel fear, uncertainty and insecurity, having someone you trust to have a conversation with can help you ground yourself when the wicked self talk gets going on the gerbil wheel of the brain pan.  

Being curious, sitting quietly, walking in nature, journaling, having conversations with trusted friends are all ways I have found to be able to tap in to that deepest part of myself that resides in the deepest part of my heart.  I have a few who will tell me to stop deriding myself and give me concrete things that they think are positive about me.  I have honestly been blown away by some of the comments from my yoga students, acquaintances and friends over the years.  It is one of the tenants of my beliefs that I have to be myself, after spending too many years trying to keep others happy and no one being happy and me being miserable, I can never go back to that space.  So even on my Weeble days (Weebles wobble but they don't fall down or so that is the marketing campaign), I may wobble, I might feel wonky and out of sorts and I may feel the negative talk start shouting in my head, I find the way to come back to my center.  Meditation and yoga are key for me, so is walking on the beach.  For as long as I can remember the beach has been my solace, my zen, my safe place.  My breathing and heart rate slow down, my shoulders drop down from my ears and I listen deeply to the sounds around me.  

In the end, it is my passion that I have learned to listen to that draws me forward further into authenticity in all aspects of my life.  I have and will continue to make mistakes, say and do the wrong things at times, but I learn from all of that and stay tuned into my intuition and passion and it has never steered me wrong.  I don't purport to be anything other than who I am, in real life, teaching yoga, online in social media, it's all me, real and raw, salty language and big laughter.  It's still a practice and I continue to refine as time goes on, but it sure does feel damn fine to live it.  It's all too easy with life so filled with social media to feel that you don't measure up, that you need to craft something bigger than who you are.  Don't let yourself fall into that trap and stay true to your heart and soul, find help if you need it, do the work and be rewarded by living, breathing and being uniquely and unapologetically YOU!!!

XO

Titanium

Thoughts on the Day 2/3/18

Jumping for JOY!!  

This year I am working on some things to focus on in my life.  Creating some rituals to support those focuses and trying to build some more time for myself.  I spent too much of the last 3.5 years just trying to survive through the day/week/month/years and I really want to get to THRIVING..  I haven't slept well in so long that many times the best sleep I get is from 6:30am-10am.  Luckily I have a job that is flexible for my hours but it means I stay late in the day at work.  Which in some cases is good, I can get work done when most people are gone and I am not dealing with interruptions.  What that means however is that many times I am rushing to get ready and head out the door.  I don't take the time to do my own yoga practice or to meditate, or read, or work on my passion project.  

At the beginning of the year I answered a set of questions for the beginning of the year.  These same questions I also now use many times during the closing of my yoga classes.  Not meant to overthink, come up with one word answers or short sentences and to just drop in to the feelings...  

What do I want to:

Be:  as healthy as possible

Feel:  joy & happiness

Do:  be of service to others with my passion project and yoga

Have:  receive abundance in all areas of my life

I realize that in order to do most of this I need to come up with some things to focus on and then work out some rituals/practices that support those four things.  I came up with 5 things to focus on, decided to start with just two of those and then started thinking about ways to set up some practices that will help support those focuses.  For now I am working on a daily practice of yoga and meditation and I am also wanting to work on my passion project.  My personal yoga practice really helps in so many ways healthwise but it also makes me a better teacher (being of service).  The mediation I started up again a few months back and it goes along with the yoga, but also gives me energy, provides stress relief, causes me to be more discerning in my thoughts and a whole lot less reactive to the speed bumps during the day.  Some days I sit and listen to a specific song that helps me drop down in to the practice, others I lay in bed and listen to the Abraham Hicks Morning Rampage.  You can find it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIH1XMhV2EM  Some days it is a morning walk in nature or moving meditation.  

The other set of practices I am working on is doing some reading in the morning and then doing 20 minutes of writing, either for my passion project, my blog, social media posts, or some short journal entries.  Just 20 minutes seems to go by faster than I expected it would.  I was worried I would have trouble making it work but so far it is going great.  My reading is either in a book, on my Kindle app or listening to Audible.  I love having the option to listen at times and there are so many things I want to gather info and learn about that I just can't read-read them all.  Now I can listen in the car, at work, taking a walk.  

Right now I am working hard to complete my 10 Day Unapologetically You Tune-Up to offer for free.  Yes FREE....  Some things that I have found useful to help me find what I am really passionate about, answer questions around just what and where I want to go and how I can support myself and give myself room to be curious, find things out and make changes if needed and learn more about myself.  I have gathered them all together to offer to all of you to help you on your own journey, whether that be reinvention, career change, finding your passion, asking yourself deep questions and listening to your heart, your deepest heart to find what brings you joy, happiness, growth, whatever it is that drives you.  I should have everything ready to go in the next couple of weeks and making the big presentation out into the world.  It has been a labor of love and vulnerability to think about birthing this new baby.  I hope that you will join me on the path of creating an authentic, wholehearted, unapologetic life with as much joy as possible...

The picture above is my oldest niece Lily Bean and she truly is one of the coolest young women you will ever meet.  She has the sass of all of the women in our family and a level of cool that is uniquely her.  She's in her second year of college, playing basketball and finding her way on her path.  She has a great attitude about life, smiles a lot, she's enjoying her life and taking the speed bumps in stride...  All good things to aspire to..

XO

Titanium

Thoughts on the Day 1/27/18

While I am still battling this cold crap, I did go in and teach a yoga class yesterday.  It's my favorite class of the week and evidently it has turned into a favorite around here to as I had 23 souls for a noontime class on a Friday.  Most of them regulars with a few drop ins here and there.  I sucked on my lozenges and blew my nose and sounded a little like Donald Duck, but I was happy to be there.

I have been teaching so long that I don't even really have any sort of class pre-planned.  I may have a theme in my head but I usually go with the energy in the room and who shows up for class.  This Friday group, they have been a group coming long enough that it has created a lot of trust and they are eager to go on the journey with me each week.  After picking up my ballet a bit in the last couple of weeks, I realized just how linear and static yoga can be.  The dancer in me loves the body placement and exploration and sometimes I long to fuse the two and not leave everyone in the room behind while I do.

This week it was about spinal flexion, flowing motion, moving to the playlist that I put together and asking them to follow me on the journey and do their best.  I threw some movements in that pushed the boundaries off the mat and shook things up a bit.  It's easy when you have been practicing for awhile and taking from the same teacher to get a little locked into what comes next, those are the times I shake it up and shake it out.  Even though I still felt like hammered shit, it always makes me feel better when I teach.  I managed to teach through the worst of my medical mystery tour and though sometimes it was a push to be there, I always felt better after.  Pulls me out of my own head space and focus on my students and get into the groove.

After class I was chatting with a couple of my students, one of whom is from Denmark, though she has lived in the states for 18 years.  We got to talking about Denmark and I mentioned that my paternal grandmother was Danish and how much I identified with that part of my genetics.  She looked at me and said I see the Scandahoovian in you.  That cracked me up, my dad and grandmother used to use that word a lot.  Both ladies then said I see a Viking when I look at you.  Which is interesting because I have always felt that somewhere in a past life I was a Viking war goddess..  I heard recently that some armor that they found in Denmark and for years thought was male, they have now said was for a female.  One of the ladies then said I can see you with a magnificent sword and swinging it.  Me too, in the best sense of that phrase.  It's funny how genetics can come forward and things you don't always understand play out in your personality.

I love teaching yoga, I love chatting with my students and getting to know them and them getting to know me.  I have some that have been taking from me for years and years, like back to when I started almost 15 years ago.  I love creating great playlists and having eager people show up for class.  It is the biggest place for service in my life, not due to ego but it comes from my heart and my deep desire to help my students live a better life through yoga.  As I ponder ways to make my classes available online and include meditation I look forward to stepping outside the classroom environment and reach people outside my geographic location.

And on that note, it is time for a bit of a nap because Sunday is a full day of yoga, two group classes, a private session and a two hour hip opener workshop.  It is a lot in one day, and I am looking forward to playing yoga for the day.  If you are on Spotify and want to check out my playlists I am under:  yogawithsherry.  The list isn't long because I just switched over to using it, before that I was on Rhapsody which is not Napster (didn't they die to death years ago?), I have some non-yoga lists up there too.  Happy Weekend!

XO

Titanium

Thoughts on the Day 1/26/18

It's Friday, it's been a week filled with valiantly fighting a cold, trying to stay on top of work, a couple of canceled yoga classes, a lot of nose blowing and a visit for my latest check in with my functional medical specialist.  I'm tired but hanging in..

I love my functional medical specialist.  Not only is she a nurse practitioner so she understands all of the nasty ass chemicals that I have been subjected to in the last 3.5 years, but she's certified in functional medicine and ayuervedic medicine as well.  In case you are wondering what functional medicine is, it is all about root cause resolution.  Not just covering up symptoms with drugs.  It is a long slow process and requires dedication not only on the care providers part but you as a patient as well.  She trusts my knowledge of my body and all I have been through to be able to treat myself, understand what might need tweaking and that I know my body better than anyone else does.  It's been a long damn time that any of my medical providers actually said that to me, even longer to actually mean it.  I liked her from the first time we sat down to talk about my long medical mystery tour in her office.

Yesterday we spoke about the power dynamic in a care provider/patient dynamic and how that can create a situation where there isn't always trust that the patient understands and accepts responsibility for their care, let alone speak with honesty about what is really going on.  I mentioned that the power dynamic becomes even more skewed when the care provider is a male.  Don't get me wrong I am not a man hater, but after everything I have been through I have a very healthy distrust of conventional medicine and the mostly male providers I have dealt with in the past.  Some even tried to tell me that I didn't know my own body, or made me feel I was wasting their time.  A couple I would say were skirting the malpractice realm.  It is nice to have someone to go on the path with that trusts my instincts, my thoughts and feelings and the hard won wisdom I have acquired.  She has restored my faith and solidified my belief that a mix of conventional and traditional naturapathic care is the way to go.  While I am still on a pharmaceutical at the moment, it actually works and has zero side effects that I have noticed in the year I have been on it.  

While the goal is to eventually get to a place where I no longer need the med and work with supplements and whole, fresh foods that support my body, I feel that I am finally in a place where I can do more of the things to solve the root cause instead of being in crisis prevention mode.  I speak honestly with her about where I am at, how I really feel, tell her when she suggests something that my intuition tells me is a no go and she understands and offers me her support.  There is still some power dynamic going on, but today she told me to basically use her for the prescriptions and to take the reigns and go with what feels right and ask for help when I need it.  I feel that even though I am miserable with this cold that I have been given back my power and respect for my personal wisdom...  That feels pretty damn great.  There is a lot that goes on in my daily life and though I still struggle some with getting all of my self-care in that I would like to, I feel like I am moving solidly in the right direction and I have the power to make the decisions that best suit me in the moment.

XO

Titanium

Thoughts on the day 1/25/18

I believe in intuition, listening to your gut and paying attention or being awake.  Yes, I know how easy it is to get distracted by life, by kids, by the news, by social media, by illness, family and the list goes on.  I have varying rates of success staying tuned in and right now I am doing my best to ride the rails of staying as connected to my intuition as possible.  I have learned over the years that the only time I tend to get myself into trouble is by NOT LISTENING TO MY INTUITION...  

That being said, sometimes it is humming at a lower frequency than others, but somehow the Universe shows up to give me a little tap.  For example, several months ago I found a yoga instructor on Instagram named Desiree Rumbaugh.  She and another woman wrote a book together titled:  Fearless After Fifty; How to thrive with grace, grit and yoga.  I was intrigued, I mean I am officially over 50 and have been for a few years.  I also was interested in their concepts of teaching to those over 50, which I have been doing for all of my 15 years of teaching.  I have a mix of ages, but the longer I teach the more I am seeing the demographic age.  I have my own ideas, have worked with folks with joint replacement and helping them come back to yoga that can be modified to fit their needs.  So I was eager to see what they had to say and bought the digital version of the book.  Not too long after that I saw there was a contest that she was promoting to win the book, so I signed up for it on a lark not expecting to win and promptly forgot about it.

I will be honest in the midst of everything going on in life I didn't get much time to really delve into the book on my iPad.  Then one day an email showed up in my inbox telling me I had won the book, a signed copy of the book.  I gave them my address and it arrived shortly thereafter.  I put it on my nightstand when it arrived and starting reading it at night before bed.  Then I saw that Desiree was coming to Seattle to teach some workshops and some training in what she calls Wisdom Warriors.  I couldn't afford the training and frankly spending the cash on a workshop just didn't fit into the budget as I was dealing with more meds, supplements and buying fresh, organic, whole foods.  So I just let go of it and forgot it.

Last Friday as I was getting ready to go to work and teach yoga at noon, I was running behind so I didn't do what I have been doing for the last couple of weeks, opening the book and reading whatever page I opened it to.  I was walking down the street on my little island and saw a fellow yoga instructor walking with a woman and her husband walking with a man and said hi as I walked by.  A few steps later I thought to myself that woman looked like Desiree and promptly turned around and walked back and said "excuse me but aren't you Desiree?" and she replied "Yes".  I burst out, oh my god, I won your book on a contest I saw on Instagram!  She looked me in the eye and was a little confused until I explained it and then I hugged her, tears in my eyes as I said "your book has been such an affirmation to me in my yoga teaching".  She was incredibly kind and thanked me for coming back and talking to her and sharing my thoughts.  She told me "let's keep it going" in regards to my saying that I have been teaching what she was talking about in the book for years.  I wiped my tears and thanked her and then said "and now I am going to go teach!".  I did tell her that I had wanted to come to her training and workshop but it just wasn't in the budget and I was so sad that I couldn't do it and then here she was walking down the street in my little town.

I taught my noontime class of loyal regulars, including some new regulars and just reaffirmed that I am on the right track with my teaching, with my new venture that I am plotting and planning.  I texted my business coach/mentor Pat, who said "it's a sign.  You're in your flow".  She told me to open the book and read the first page that opened when I got home and see what it had to say.  Two lines showed up that had the biggest impact on me:  That you are tougher than you think.  You are bigger than what you fear.  

I am processing through some stuff, big stuff, deep stuff all while I am working on creating a way to serve in a different way that includes not only my yoga but also to help others live authentic lives without apology.  That even as we age we can continue to create, change, grow, expand and be whoever we choose to be.  That time isn't running out, you just have to decide to do it and find the support.  I'm trying to build that support and refine what's important, learn what people need most and help them solve problems and maybe even get out of their own way a little to find the abundance in all areas of their life.

If I learned anything the last 3.5 years dealing with medical mysteries, doctors who don't listen, medications that create bigger problems than they were trying to solve and a medical system that is fueled by the pharmaceutical industry, I am tougher than I thought.  I never stopped believing that there had to be a better way and I would find the right care to help me on my way.  And yes, I am bigger than what I fear.  I heard you Universe, loud and clear...

XO

Sherry

Thoughts on the day 1/20/18

It's Saturday and I have my own shit to get done and I also get to be everyone's favorite person at work when I hand out payroll!!  The women's march is happening again tomorrow and last year I took my mom and we walked most of it.  This year due to some health concerns we will be skipping...  I will be there in spirit however..

I have been thinking a lot about the word 'empowered'..  Merriam-Webster defines it:  to promote the self-actualization or influence of.  Hmm..  Some days I have a love/hate relationship with the word.  I have to say I feel it has been overused.  You can hate me for saying that, but it's just how I feel.

Some days my empowerment is really just about survival mode, what do I need to do to get through the day with the least amount of bullshit and still maintain my grace.

Some days that looks like wild stretchy pants, shit hot boots, my spiked up hair, some sassy Smith Optics stunners and some pink lip sauce.  Hell let's face it, I always walk around with the hair, the stunners and the lip sauce.  I get asked at least once a week who does my hair or how great they think it is (no my hair doctor isn't accepting any new patients) and at least twice a week what I wear on my lips...  I discovered my favorite Clinique Super Balm in Grapefruit is being discontinued and I am incredibly bummed out by this.  It's simple and nothing flashy, but it is the consistency I love and nice and shiny and a good shade for me.  <insert heavy sigh here>

Here's a little story...  I used to be a buyer for a local women's store, clothing, accessories, SHOES!!!!  I was wearing a pair of red cowboy boots working on the floor one day.  A woman came in looking at shoes and quietly told me, "I love your boots, they look great on you.  I wish I could wear boots like that.  I just don't have the look or the attitude to do it."  My response was, "wear the boots and own them, the attitude comes with the boots (there's just something to me about wearing a good cowboy boot, it gives you the swagger).  Then after awhile every time you wear them you'll think about it less and less and just become the woman in the red boots".  She didn't buy any boots that day, I hope she maybe found some way to get a little red boot swagger in her life, her comment was so wistful.

I have a look, it's not for everyone, but it is me.  I have gotten comments and sometimes I think to myself "it took me a long damn time to find this comfort level in my look, my body and what I'm wearing and I am so damn glad I did".  I have received a lot of similar statements over the years about my clothing, my jewelry, my hair, my attitude and yes my propensity to say what every else is thinking but doesn't say.  I use the salty language, I love the salty language...  Sometimes a well placed Fuck is exactly what is needed in the moment.  They are just words after all...  I wear what I like, I buzz my hair (thanks Cin!) and yes I wear the stunners, sometimes even in the rain and inside...  

Find what makes you feel good and own it, live it, change it when you feel the need, but never let anyone else's opinion be the reason for you do something that you don't feel good about, EVER...  It's your hair, your body, your brain and yes, your uterus.  You might be surprised when someone tells you that you are an inspiration to them.  That comment makes me laugh to myself when someone says that.  Why you might ask, well because some days it's an effort just to get out of bed and get dressed and face the world.  Those are the days where I wear my wildest stretchy pants, spike the hair up extra and hold myself together with a spackle of hair balm, coconut oil, hair spray and lip sauce before I venture out into the wilds of life.  Do you baby, your heart and soul will thank you for it.

XO

Titanium

Thoughts on the day 1/19/18

Here I sit on another Friday night after a long week, payroll at the job-job, W-2's, census lists, blah, blah, blah.....  And then there is the other life, the life work that I am building slowly and surely with each passing day.  The fire building slowly, not a burn the house down, but a low steady flame that grows with each bit of new that I add.  This is unusual for me I assure you.  I am a doer, I get an idea and run with it, all out...  I suffer from perfection syndrome at times, wanting things to be perfect and missing out on things or losing interest when what I see in my head doesn't come out the way I see it.  Not this time...  My coach tells me it is because I am doing my soul work and to go with the flow.  So here goes my thoughts on the day today...

I have been listening to podcasts, cruising Instagram feeds, signing up for free webinars, looking at websites, making copious amounts of notes and learning all the stuff ever, amen.  I know what sounds good on a podcast, what sounds real, what attracts my attention and what loses it in a heartbeat.  There is a shit load of info out in there podcast land.  Sometimes it is overwhelming, other times I hear something that totally gets in and gets me furiously scribbling notes and the creative energy starts flowing and I am rocking it.

I have started keeping ideas on projects on 3x5 cards that are all over the walls in my entryway and have jumbo post-it sheets lining the hallway now too.  I sometimes do nothing for days and then I will have a creative dump that lasts for hours and it just comes tumbling out.  My place looks like a mad scientist has come to visit.  It all makes sense to me but other people may think it strange.  That's ok, it's all mine!

I carry a notebook with all of my notes, ideas, content creations, lists of podcast episodes to listen to, everywhere I go.  I have resisted the anxiety about not doing something every single day with all of this.  I have found that taking some time to continue to learn, create and then let it all sift down and settle has been working well.  

I have always loved to write, sometimes I wonder if I am a very good writer and other times it just comes out in words upon words upon words...  I have been given the challenge of writing and pitching some of my stories to some very big deal websites.  In some aspects that is a little intimidating, in others I just feel the urge to make sure that my website is in good order before I start sending anyone there that may be interested in publishing my words.  I feel no rush, it will all come together in the time and space it is meant to.  That is sort of heavy stuff to be thinking...

I have discovered a few ways to keep certain things on my website private, just for the people I invite to see and enjoy them.  That has me pretty jazzed I must admit.  I do want to serve my tribe and making it so that it is special and only available to those that I invite was key for me.  Thank you Squarespace.  

I know some amazingly, incredible, wise women and they have stories worth sharing and knowing.  I want to uplift them, remind them often just how incredible they are, even when they are taking care of kids, partners, parents, jobs, dealing with life daily.  I want to help them take care of themselves, help them find their most authentic selves and shine bright.  Why you may ask, well because it is something that I have had in small bits that I found so useful when I needed it most. 

I received an interesting compliment recently from a yoga student who had never taken my class before.  She told me that I have a wonderful speaking voice and how she felt safe and relaxed in my class.  One of the best compliments I have ever had and something that is good to know as I forge ahead with my podcasts and guided meditations.  I had a student years ago who told me my yoga class was like yoga and a great therapy session all rolled into one. 

My word for 2018 is CONNECTION...  I want to build, foster, grown and revel in connections with people, uplift where I can, and serve where I am called.  And on that note, I will say, see you soon!

XO

Sherry

Thoughts on the day 12/18/17

I'm sitting here after a full day filled with payroll, problem solving, banking and all the things on a Monday work day.  Things are running through my brain pan, so here goes...

Thoughts on the day:

A horrible train crash where a brand new train service started today and the train literally fell off the tracks, crashed onto the highway below and people died.  This happened about an hour from where I live and upon looking at pictures it made me wonder how they ever thought a fast moving train would ever stay on the tracks as I saw them...

The last couple of weekends have gone by in a blur of holiday activities, yoga classes and work.  I feel like I am hurtling toward the end of year on a runaway train. (no pun intended)

Customer service is a dying art.

Wearing wild stretchy pants while walking down the streets got me plenty of smiles and one, 'I love your tights'.

I managed to eat a good breakfast (rare for me), drink plenty of water, got my steps in (it helps to work in a health club with plenty of treadmills to choose from) and a good lunch.  For some reason I just could not eat enough today.  

I'm struggling with wanting to stay informed with current events and not overwhelming myself with podcasts and online news.  I love to learn about all sorts of political news, but I'm finding that it's truly affecting my anxiety level.

I'm setting an intention to get back to my meditation practice, day 1 in the books..

I'm loving Tim Ferriss's podcast and his new book Tribe of Mentors.

There needs to be more kindness right now, it just seems like everyone is all stressed out and instead of trying to be kind and seeing others struggling too, it seems like it is all about them.  

Why are people so surprised when I say "Please and Thank You'?  Do people not say those words anymore?

On that note, I am going home to eat some grub and relax because tomorrow is a long day.

Ciao

Titanium

Compassion...

I find myself thinking about gratitude, appreciation, love and compassion..

There are so many people out there that tell you, "a gratitude practice is key to a well rounded, well lived life".  I'll be honest there have been more than a few days where I struggled to find anything to be grateful for.  Chronic health issues are debilitating and living daily with something that makes you feel awful both internally and externally is a damn hard road to travel on.  I am far from perfect, far from doing all the things that many so called 'self help experts' would say are key to success (however you choose to define that).  I always wonder how they were labeled 'experts' anyway.  I mean I have lived a whole lot of life, made a whole lot of mistakes over the years and while whole segments were truly hard, I do have some pretty amazing stories when I look back.  Does this make me an expert?  Actually it just makes me someone who has lived life as a full contact sport, still around to talk about it and ok with sharing some pretty personal stuff.  I mean if it helps someone else to find their way, not make a mistake I did, or realize that their life isn't as bad as they thought, well then my work here is done.  I am no expert, I have just lived my life, sometimes with more awareness than others and with more success at times than I realized.  At this point I figure any day above ground is a good damn day.

While at times I flail around trying to live in gratitude or appreciation and wondering how others do it consistently the bigger picture for me is loving myself and treating myself with the compassion that many times I can easier give to others than myself.  Being a woman, I find my gender at times predisposes me to certain behaviors.  I am a mother and a grandmother and I would do whatever was in my power to be sure that my daughter and granddaughter know they are loved and cared for.  For most of my life I have had energy to spare, the ultimate energizer bunny and it is really hard for me to find the slow down mode, so hard that at times my body has had to send me a big message in order to get me to pay attention.  I was raised with that hard work mentality, have worked hard most of my life and a lot of the time have worked more than one job at a time.  I'm hard on myself, push myself, and yes at times berate myself with negative self talk.  The whys of all of that are long and convoluted.  Needless to say I have worked hard over the years to do better at giving myself the compassion, understanding and love that I can readily give to others.

I sometimes wonder why it is so much easier to give compassion to myself, why I feel undeserving, why the old stories that I and others have told about me have led me to believe I don't deserve it.  As I continue on the path of living an unapologetic, whole hearted life, I know without a doubt that I have to give myself the compassion and love in order to move beyond the old stories and feelings.  So I dig deep, dial down the self talk that isn't in my best interest and keep taking those steps into true compassion and love for myself.  The more I lean in, the more I realize that I can only give to others if I have given it to myself first.  The more love and compassion I have for myself, the more I have to give.

This week I have been focusing on thinking of someone who inspires me with their self compassion and love.  It certainly has caused me to dial in a little deeper, be more aware and truly paying attention.  Now that we are entering the season of holidays, family time and the end of the year and all of the busyness of the season, the stress that can be associated with all of that, the best gift we can give ourselves is love, compassion and wisdom to do what we most need in the present moment.

I am thankful to be able to have the ability to be curious about life and the ability to learn more about myself and others.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Welcome to my Medical Mystery Tour

Let's talk about supplements

I'm going to start this post off by saying that I am not a medical professional and everything I have learned has been trial and error for my particular body while working with my specialists and honestly following my gut instincts.  Funny that, histamine comes from the gut, gut instincts and getting beyond the fear and anxiety of eating.  So anything you see me post about when it comes to food or supplements or even meds, please, please remember to err on the side of caution and speak with your own medical professionals and do what feels right for you and your body.  If there is anything I have learned besides the fact that I am an outlier medically, is that every single person reacts differently to food, medicine, supplements and environment.  It comes down to trusting yourself and fully listening to your body.  My phrase that I have in my head every day, 'they call it practicing medicine for a reason'...  YOU are the only one who truly knows your body and how you feel and you know what feels right and what doesn't.  It takes practice and it takes time to tune in and really pay attention.  So now that that is out of the way, here goes...

I'll admit that I am a person who previous to my medical mystery tours had a hard time just remembering to take my damn daily vitamins.  Most days I just didn't....  With both of these medical mystery tours, not only do I have to remember to take my meds, I also have to remember to take my supplements.

I have done trial and error as I mentioned and honestly I never felt and still don't that they will completely heal me.  That being said I have learned that some of them do make me feel better and I notice a difference when I don't take them.  I have taken some recommended by my naturopath, some suggested by my FM specialist and some I read about in the book, Medical Medium by Anthony William.  If you haven't read his book yet I would offer that it might be worth your time.  Now I admit some of it might seem a little far fetched for some, but when I found it there was one sentence in the beginning that had me sobbing with relief.  He reassured in that sentence that I didn't cause this to happen and that I am not a bad person who deserved what I was struggling with.  This was after almost two years of dealing with chronic daily hives, the blood clot and just a whole lot of feeling like, being scared, anxiety about food and just general fucking anxiety.  He does have some research to back his claims and honestly while it didn't really have that exact info about my situation it did have some info that helped me feel I was taking some control over my own health and gave me some things to try.

If you go to my product link page you will see some links to some of what I am taking, I will be updating these shortly with my most recent additions.  Sorry for the huge photos, I still need to work those out.  Yes if you click the link it will provide me with a small commission, no you don't have to do anything, it all comes from the vendors and it helps me to fund my site, so I would appreciate it if you did use the links if you are so inclined.

Here is the list:

Curcumin, an anti inflammatory and I find that it really helps with some of the pain as well.

Probiotic, this one is so good and is a dairy free version

Inositol, for liver function and cellular detox, a side note, this one can make you sleepy so take it night.  I learned this from taking it one morning and wondering why I felt so tired...

Red Mineral Algae, this is the way I get magnesium that doesn't have any citrate in it, that stuff wreaks havoc on my digestion and the hives.

I also take Quercetin, without bromelain as I learned that bromelain is made from pineapple which is considered citrus and well that makes my hives flare like nobodies business.

L-Lysine 1000mg caps for membrane health and also supporting the central nervous system.

The most recent addition has been collagen peptides, I have tried both the Vital Proteins brand and the newest one from Wild Foods Co.  Here is what I have learned about collagen and it is not the vegetarian version, it comes from the hides, I tried the other version and it didn't get me the same results.  I might mention I am not fully vegetarian or vegan for that matter, but that is for another post.  What I have found is this, I had some residual numbness and tingling in my toes and especially my right arm and hand, but both arms tend to get numb when I sleep which they never did before all of this.  The collagen is a great support for helping with gut health, namely leaky gut and since histamine comes from the gut there is that connection.  Also though I found that the amino acids in it have helped tremendously with the numbness and tingling.  I didn't really realize how much until I ran out of it one day, I noticed that my left hand had tingles and also my toes.  The next day my package of the new order arrived and drank it in my ginger elixir and the numbness subsided within an hour.  That shit works, at least for me!!  I originally got it because I read it was good for joint and connective tissue health and I figured it would help with leaching process and it does that as well.

There are other things I have tried, I also take a biotin supplement presently and during the winter I take Vitamin D3 with K.  Again work with your medical professionals and make sure that anything you are taking doesn't clash with any meds you might be taking, if you are unsure, I would offer that you find a good pharmacist you trust and speak with them, they know so much more than any doctor about meds, side effects etc.  My pharmacist and compounding pharmacist are my best friends.

Also I drink an elixir I make every morning that I feel really helps support my healing process and is the way I get my collagen as well.  I take fresh ginger, about an inch slice or so and scrape the peel off, slice it and mash it.  I boil water and dump the ginger in my giant tea cup and add a little honey, my scoop of collagen, a coin of food grade cocoa butter (Wild Foods Co), a little tiny bit of maca root powder (have to be careful with this, it interacts with my synthroid), a 1/2 tsp of rishi mushroom powder and pour the boiling water over and let it steep.  I then add some of my homemade coconut milk that has a little honey and some vanilla powder and stir it up and drink it down.  I started out with the just the ginger and honey, added the coconut milk and the rest of it came with time.  It's very soothing and a great way to start my day.

If you have questions, hit me up on my contact page and I will do my best to answer them!!

Ciao

I release that which no longer serves

Well it's been a minute since I last posted.  After all of that verbal throw up to get the story out about my medical mystery tour I wanted to move on and bring some happy.  While I am happy and daily working on my wellness, I still have stumbles, struggles and there are days where I still have to work at it.  I still have to remember that after three years of wading through all of this I am only eight months into the healing process.  The happy right now is that I am still the most stable I have been in three years!!!

Last week while teaching my noontime yoga tribe I took the opportunity while in pigeon pose with the class to repeat to myself, 'I release that which no longer serves me.' , while taking full deep breaths.  It was cathartic and I felt space expanding around me.  I'm still dealing with the pain of leaching the prednisone out of my bones, joints, muscles and liver.  It's a long slow process.  I have to remind myself of that when I start bashing myself for not getting work done on my website, my blog posts and my podcast creation.  Sometimes I come home after teaching and working a full day and I literally drop on the couch and a little TV while nodding off.  More times than I care to admit and then I feel lazy.  After mentally bashing myself for a bit I snap out of it enough to remind myself I still need time to heal and I may never fully get back to where I used to be.  

Going slow has never been my thing, I'm used to having energy and stamina to spare.  As my friend Cyn told me several years ago, 'your slow and steady is most peoples warp speed!'.  Then in November of last year my granddaughter was born and first I have to say this grandma business is the shit!!  I get to spend time with her every week and she and my daughter are the lights of my life.  Being a grammy and spending one night a week fixing dinner and eating with my kids is the highlight of my week.  I have my granddaughter every Wednesday and she has been teaching me every week about slowing down to her pace. Between bottle time, rocking her, feeding her the first tastes of big people food, or just playing on the floor and now learning how to crawl and walk.  I have to be fully present and I look forward to see how much she has grown each week.  

I am grateful that my health is stable enough for to have the energy to do all of the things I do in my life right now.  My life is full and abundant and I have all sorts of things I want to accomplish in the future.  Even with the forward and back as I still leach the meds and the aches and pains, I find that I have more creativity flowing than I have in over three years.

So bare with me as I continue to slide around on the energy scale and my posts and web updates move slowly.  I practice my yoga both on and off the mat and do my best to release that which no longer serves me and trust Universe to bring me exactly what I need at the moment I need it.  I bow to the energetic forces all around me to guide me to my highest and best self.

Ciao

And the shitstorm continues

Well here is the next installment of the intro to my medical mystery tour.  I know the first one was long and this one may very well be long too.  I'm hoping that even with all of the long details that it may help someone, anyone struggling with their own health find some answers or direction.  So moving on from August 2015..

I went to meet my new allergy specialist at UW Medicine and see what he had to say.  We spent well over an hour discussing how all of this started, my experience leading up to seeing him.  I showed up with my file folder full of my info, things I had made notes on, things I found on the internet and my question list.  He congratulated me for being so well prepared and after asking a few qualifying questions asked me if anyone had ever discussed the drug Xolair and I said no.  Xolair was actually developed for asthma sufferers and several years ago it was discovered that it is helpful for chronic urticaria of unknown origin.  He told me his success rate for this drug was quite high, the side effects were low compared to other options and it could take anywhere from 4-6 monthly injections before any results might show up.  I was all for it, then the shoe dropped, the med is very expensive and needs approval from the insurance company.  He wrote the prescription and told me to contact my insurance company to determine what the response would be. 

My insurance through my job was through a plan at Group Health that covered multiple locations other than Group Health and I was hoping that they would green light the injections without much delay.  How fucking wrong I was...  They declined to pay for it, I appealed the decision, the declined it again, my specialist took on the next appeal and even got a phone call where he described what his proposed treatment plan was and why he felt I would benefit from the Xolair.  They declined again and my specialist gave it another go and guess what? They declined it again.  Let me just say that I was and still am livid that my insurance company at the time was dictating my care instead of my doctor.  By this time I was desperate, I was coming up on a year of dealing with this horrible, chronic situation and feeling worse every day.  The sense of desperation, the anxiety, the fear, the daily pain, the lack of sleep, the prednisone, it all added up to a situation where by December of 2015 I was the lowest I have ever been and feeling frantic.  I hit a period where I honestly thought about suicide.  Not many people know about this level that I reached.  It scared the hell out of me, I ended up in the ER right after Christmas thinking I had another blood clot in my leg and so stressed out I was a walking mess.  A short time after, still feeling severe anxiety, which I learned is one of the side effects of high levels of histamine, not to mention being on prednisone upping the ante on the anxiety as well.  I seriously thought I was losing my mind.  Shortly after that I ran into a friend who used to be a nurse who asked about my health and upon hearing I was still on prednisone and taking it daily for months asked me how I was mentally.  I sucked it up and told her about my thoughts of suicide, feeling shame, fear and just so fucking tired of trying to hold it all together every day.  She took my hand and looked at me and said, "Sherry, prednisone screws with your mind, your depression is not just being chronically ill but also drug induced by the prednisone."  I burst into to tears, not one of my doctors ever said anything about this side effect and if I read it in any of the literature they gave me, I am sure that my histamine flooded brain didn't hold on to any of the information.

Just a little info here, high levels of histamine lead to fuzzy headed thinking, forgetfulness, anxiety and serious cognitive issues.  Histamine while necessary in normal levels to help digest food, in massive amounts wreaks havoc on the central nervous system, thought processes and sleep, which brings more of everything above.  The conversation with my friend sent me back out to the internet to do more research and learn more.  It was a huge relief to know I wasn't going crazy for no reason, I had a lot of help from meds and histamine on the crazy train.  I was angry, pissed as hell actually that my insurance company was still declining to pay for the Xolair which I was holding out hope would change my situation and give me back my life.  I had also been taking massive doses of anti-histamines which are hard on the central nervous system and I learned can lead to alzheimers disease.  Great, one more piece of bullshit fear to add to the shitstorm.  I was also having serious issues having conversations and processing what was being said, let alone remembering any of it later.  

Fast forward to March of 2016, we switched our insurance company at work and ended up with United Healthcare.  At the meeting with the company rep I gave her some info on my situation and what I was dealing with and she said she would do some checking, my broker followed up with her and earlier the broker had directed me to a web site for the makers of Xolair and I obtained a co-pay card from the manufacturer that would help offset the cost of the med once I got the approval.  I was so fortunate that the broker stayed on top of the UHC rep and they called me with our new account info and let me know that once I met my deductible I would be covered 100% for the injections.  My first injection would turn out to meet my deductible with half left over, the manufacturer co-pay card picked up all but $125 of the rest of it and I was off and running.  These injections were $4000 each and I had to go in every 30 days to get them. Yup, $4000 each and they knocked me for a loop every single time, plus being an outlyer, I had strange side effects with the first one.  I was my specialists top two most difficult cases he's ever had to address.  My blood pressure went zooming up, where most other people had theirs drop and then I would have to get myself home with a taxi, a ferry, a walk home and literally would pass out for the rest of the day and be on slow motion for a couple of days after. 

I ended up getting 8 Xolair injections all together, managed to get off prednisone once for about 8 weeks and then the hives got worse, not better.  By this time it is now the fall of 2016 and I am faced with having to start taking serious immune suppressors, the kind they give to people who have organ transplants so they don't reject their organs.  They all have very serious side effects and I am incredibly chemically sensitive.  Around this same time my friend Nicole told me to check in to medical marijuana and in specific CBD use to help with not only pain management, but inflammation, sleep issues and anxiety.  I decided to get my green card, even though I live in Washington state where it is legal and proceeded to head to my local dispensary.  They of course had never heard of anyone in my situation and thus began a trial and error situation to see what worked and what didn't.  Now I am a child of the 70's in an Oregon college town, I know weed, have used weed but for very different reasons, this was all uncharted waters for me.  I dove in with a vengeance and learned so many different things along the way.  I started a drug called Cyclosporine and while it seemed to help with the hives, I started having side effects similar to the Xarelto, numbness in my hands and feet, stomach pains and I had to go in every two weeks to get my liver and kidneys checked as they drug is so hard on those organs.  When I went in after the first two weeks and told my specialist about my issues, he told me to stop taking it immediately..  My blood work came back showing my kidneys and liver in distress.  

Next up on the drug wheel was a drug called Dapsone, lower on the reaction scale supposedly and the first week I took it, I felt ok, the hives were still semi under control, but the longer I was on it the more hives started returning and I just felt, well, wrong.  I went in to see my specialist after 2 weeks and still showed some kidney and liver distress and I told him about the hives and rashes returning more every day.  He told me to try one more week and then gave me a prescription for a drug called CellCept, which had many of the same side effects as the Cyclosporine.  By this time I was at least sleeping a bit better, was slowly tapering down off of the prenisone and feeling that the CBD was helping me.  I had found a book by a medical medium named Anthony William that I read that lead me to start doing freshly juiced celery every morning before I had any food and I did some more reading about the Dapsone and found that one of the side effects is that it can create hives and rashes.  Well when you already have hives and rashes, how the hell are you supposed to know whether it's the drug or the hives you have been fighting for 2 freaking years.  I made a decision to trust my intuition that was clearly saying "get off the meds Sherry" and stopped taking the Dapsone the next day, continued with tapering my prednisone, still working with the CBD in capsule format, with a tincture during the day that didn't get me high and a topical that helped with the itch and rash. I started feeling better by day 2 off the meds.  

At the same time I kept looking for other options and a friend suggested I seek out a functional medical specialist.  I did some research, found a couple I was interested in and found a nurse practitioner at Swedish that was accepting new patients.  Why functional medicine, or what is it?  Well the why was that I needed someone who understands all of the conventional medicine I had been subjected to and was seeking a more holistic approach.  I wanted to stop just trying to cover it up and heal from the inside out.  Functional medicine is a holistic approach, not just conventional medicine fueled by pharmaceuticals.   I saw my specialist the first Wednesday of January 2017 and told him about everything I had decided and how well I was doing.  I knew from the past times that every time I taper off of the prednisone, the hives kick in, prednisone suppresses everything and once you taper, especially after being on it for as long as I had it was going to be a process trying to get off of it. I also told him I was seeing a new functional medical specialist in two days.  He expressed dismay that he felt he had failed me, we discussed the CBD which he admitted that he had never done any studies on and I told him he definitely needed to!  I told him that depending on how the next couple of weeks went I was going to be breaking up with him and moving to a more holistic, less pharmaceutical approach. He wished me luck, told me he was happy I was feeling better and to get in touch if things should get worse in any way.

Two days later I walked into the office of the woman who changed my life for the better.  We discussed my history and she looked at me and said, "you have been through hell with this and on so many toxic chemicals, and I think I can help you."  I let out a huge sigh of relief, I liked her manner, her sense of humor and her approach.  She is also certified in ayurvedic medicine, so next we talked about my dosha and food.  She then asked me if I had ever heard of a drug called Cromolyn Sodium and I said no.  Evidently it was developed as a nasal inhalant for sinus histamine, is a non-steroid, and they have discovered recently that an oral dose stabilizes the mast cells so they don't die so fast creating the over production of histamine leading to the hives and rashes.  She took a look at my arms which though were considerably better than they had been, still looked like someone had taken a hot iron and burned me.  She wanted me to start it while I was still detoxing from the prednisone, adjusted my CBD dosages and gave me a few supplements to try to see if they would help with the prednisone detox.  That meeting, that day my life took a turn for the better!  I started the Cromolyn Sodium the next day and within 5 days I was the best I had been in over 2 years and things just kept getting better every day.  Prednisone detox is a bitch and since it isn't selective on what it suppresses the first 4 weeks I walk around feeling like I am 90 years old and since I had only ever been able to get off of it for the max of 8 weeks I had no idea what to expect after that.  This go round turned out to be the easiest detox off of prednisone I had attempted yet and after almost 6 months I haven't had another dose of prednisone.  It will probably be at least another 6 months to get it totally out of my body since I was on it daily for most of 18 months.  It gets into your muscles, your joints, and your bones and slowly leaches out once you stop taking it. I still get peaks and valleys with the detox but each one is a little less than the previous one.

I started dropping all of the puffiness from the prednisone, continued to get better and better in terms of the hives and continue tweaking my diet based on her suggestions.  I have follow up appointments every 8 weeks and every time I see her I get better results on my blood work, my body is doing better than anyone ever expected I would be able to and it's only been 6 months.  I still have to be careful with the trigger foods and it is a constant test and trial over what still triggers and what doesn't, the med has zero side effects for me and I have dropped over 26 pounds since I walked through her door that first Friday in January.  As my new wonder specialist informed me on my last visit, I was in a very deep divot with my health and it will probably take about two years to get out of that divot completely.  I keep getting gold stars each time I see her and I feel better than I have in three years.  

So that is the story of how this medical mystery came into being and even though these are long posts, this is a compressed version of what I have been through.  In future posts I will start talking about some of the things I have tried over these last three years, food, meds, supplements, yoga, books, meditation and CBD.  I will be posting some links to web pages that I found helpful, links to products that I use and some yoga sequences.  I will be linking my YouTube channel as well and I am working on my first podcast to post up in the next couple of weeks as well as offering some coaching sessions.  Feel free to contact me on my contact page and ask questions and I will do my best to answer them.  

Peace...

Hello and welcome

I'm here sharing my journey navigating the wild waters of the medical field, trying to get an accurate diagnosis and find my way back to my full, healthy life.  It's an ongoing story and this isn't the first time I have had to navigate these waters.  My first foray was back in October 2007 and lasted until July 2009.  A very different reason and experience than the journey I am on now.  I will get to that one in a different post, but for now I want to share what started me on this path I am currently on. Please keep in my mind I am adult and I use adult, aka salty language regularly.  This will be a long a post, so hang in there while I set the stage and remember, they call it practicing medicine for a reason..

The last three years have been what I refer to as my "medical mystery tour".  It all started in May of 2014 when I started taking some hormones to help regulate my monthly cycle and heavy bleeding I was having.  Those hormones caused me to as my doctor said, 'throw a blood clot' ten days after starting to take them.  At that point I needed to go on a blood thinner, had already suffered heavy blood loss and was still bleeding heavily.  Needless to say it was a whirlwind of doctor visits, ultra sounds and some unknowns.  Further tests showed I not only had a pollup on my cervix but I also had fibroids.  Since I was still bleeding so heavily, my internist and OB/gyn determined that an ablation was the best option to stop the bleeding and allow me to get back on the blood thinner as soon as possible.  Tests showed my hematocrit was at 12 and my doctors were surprised I could get out of bed, let alone go to work and still teach yoga.  Looking back I think I was fortunate that I didn't realize just how sick I was, but the sobering fact that I could have died had that clot moved became apparent in the doctors office after the ultra sound confirmed the spot in my lower left leg was a massive clot. I thought it was muscular and was massaging it and I had managed to shove further down my leg luckily.  If it had moved in the other direction I would died to death.  Looking square in the face of my mortality was pretty frightening and on the trip home I fell apart with how overwhelming it all was.

The surgery was a success, the bleeding stopped, I went back on the blood thinner and I figured everything would be fine in roughly 90 days if the meds worked as my internist described.  He prescribed a drug, Xarelto and at the time the Universe was trying to give me the info that it wasn't the drug for me but I think I was too sick to pay attention.  It was horribly expensive, my insurance company at the time said they would not cover the cost and I was faced with having to go a different path with the older method which is basically rat poison. My internist pulled some strings and got me enough samples that I could be covered for the 90 days he wanted to start with.  Almost immediately I had a stomach ache and when I called my internist to tell him, he told me to take Zantc.  The thing is, it wasn't acid reflux, it was an actual pain in my belly, every single day I was on that awful med.  Time went on and 3 weeks into the med I noticed that my toes were numb and it was climbing up my feet to my ankles and from my fingers to my wrists.  I luckily found a web site where other people were taking it that had a message posting service and learned that the bloating I was also feeling, strange muscle aches and pains and the numbness were not just me.  I called my internist again to give him the update and the response was that he wanted to keep me on the med.  I called three weeks later to inform him that I was now numb to both knees and my elbows and had horrible stomach bloating and pain every day.  He still kept me on the med.  I started learning more and seeing things about class action suits, brain bleeds, stomach bleeds, all things that scared the ever loving shit out of me while I was walking around as a hemophiliac.  After 90 days I called and told him I was numb to both hips and both shoulders and that I would not be taking the meds for one more day.  I was told to come in for an ultra sound to see what the status was of the blood clot.

The ultra sound showed the clot had shrunken in size and dropped down into my ankle and the tech informed me that at that point a common aspirin every day would most likely be the best treatment to clear it up.  I walked back into the internists office and told him I wouldn't be taking any more Xarelto and how angry I was that he had not listened to me about the side effects I was having and I hoped that I didn't have any lasting damage because he refused to listen to me.  At that point he admitted that I hadn't tolerated the drug from the beginning.  No shit, REALLY...  He put me on aspirin every day and I walked out the door and never went back. This was a hard space to navigate, this internist has been treating most of my family for over 25 years, saved my father's life, helped me with the first medical mystery tour I dealt with and now I was livid with how this all played out.  He refused to take my reactions seriously, treated me like I didn't know my own body and neglected to observe that I was having a severe allergic reaction to a relatively new and untried med.

I chose to move on and do the work to get back my health, found a naturopath and started trying to rebuild my gut health in particular as well as my overall health due to blood loss and trauma.  She started me on warm water with lemon every day and then switched me to lime water as she felt it was better.  I was still having numbness in my limbs and I noticed that I started to have this red itchy rash, that started in small patches and over the following months spread like wildfire.  Never having had hives before I didn't realize until months later that was what I was dealing with as the naturopath was prescribing expensive supplements and treatments to try to treat my numbness.  I finally made it into a dermatologist who informed me that I had chronic urticaria of unknown origin, or chronic hives and they couldn't tell me why. When I asked if it could be the result of having a severe allergic reaction to the Xarelto, he hedged, telling me I was having an autoimmune response and there was no way to know why.  He told me that it could be up to a year before they went away and one day I would wake up and they would be mostly gone.  He prescribed Zyrtec everyday, starting with one a day and upping if the hives progressed to a maximum of 4-5 a day.  Yes, you read that right 4-5, 24 hour Zyrtec a day.  Here I was once again following what a physician was prescribing in the conventional medical arena in the hopes it would help me get my life back.  This was April of 2015.

The hives continued to get worse and in a follow up with my new GP she said maybe it was time to see an allergist.  At this point I was taking Zyrtec 4 times a day and had been on a couple of rounds of prednisone in the hopes it would quell the hives.  The prednisone made it marginally better while I was taking it but once I tapered off the dosage they came back and usually worse.  By this point not one of my doctors had spoken to me about food, other than to say it wasn't what I was eating or coming into contact with that was causing the hives, that my body was having an autoimmune response.  I made it into an allergist about a month later, that was quick I learned.  The only reason I made it into the dermatologist so quickly was that I had a friend who helped me out, most wait times for both allergy and dermatologists is 6 months at a minimum.  Pretty scary when you are sick and have no idea why or what is causing it, I was lucky, well sort of.

The allergist was an older man who seemed to be relatively well informed and told me that it would be trial and error with multiple meds, upping the ante if the first round failed and if the second round failed it would be very expensive shots.  By this time I was having serious cognitive function issues as my body was flooded with mast cells dying and creating massive amounts of histamine.  I happened to type in chronic urticaria in google and the International Urticaria site came up with a histamine elimination diet.  This was the beginning of learning about foods and histamine, foods that are naturally high in histamine (spinach) and foods that create histamine when they hit your system (papaya).  I went on a brutal elimination diet, starting taking the new meds the allergist prescribed and two days later ended up in Urgent Care with my lower legs so swollen my feet turned blue and the on call doctor telling me I needed to be on a longer run of prednisone to try to get some relief.  I called the allergist the next day and his response was to keep me on prednisone for an indefinite period of time until things calmed down.  At that point none of the new meds he prescribed were doing anything and the attitude of just leaving me on prednisone was scary too.  I decided to seek out another allergist and it was suggested I go to UW Medicine in the hopes that someone there would have more information.  In the interim of finding a new allergist and getting in to see him, I had a weekly trip to Urgent Care for anaphylactic episodes and one where my blood pressure dropped so low I almost passed out.  It was scary as hell.

At this point I am going to stop and will post again with the continuation.  This all happened from June 2014 through early August 2015 and I still had no answers, was still fighting residual numbness, flooded with mast cells and histamine, loaded with inflammation and literally wanted to peel my skin off my body with a spoon if that meant the pain and itching would stop.

Stay tuned for the next installment of my Medical Mystery Tour.