Just in case you are feeling some doubts and need a little extra love...
You've got this!
XO
Titanium
Tidbit Tuesday
Today's tidbit video...
What would your day look like if.....
Monday Mantra
Monday Mantra...
There are days, sometimes more than any of us would like to admit that we feel not enough, that we don't do enough and whatever is flowing within us is a far cry from peaceful. Trust me I know this all too well. Especially for women, we are many times in the giving role, whether it be for our families, our friends, our jobs and anywhere else we feel pulled to serve. It can create a chaos that can hit us on deep levels. If we feel we have let someone down, have dropped the ball at work, forgot the grocery shopping and on and on and on...
The reality is that who we are is enough, no matter what the external pressures may be, no matter who tries to tell us otherwise. No one is perfect... I say Fuck Perfect. It isn't attainable and in fact is boring as hell. Life is messy and beautiful and full and crazy and wild and sometimes quiet or lonely. Keeping a steady sail on the currents of life, adjusting our sails when we need to and moving with as much grace as we can muster (which some days means just getting dressed, or not), is the only way that we can hold space for who we are.
Let go of thinking you need to be all things to all people and focus on just doing what matters most to you. Pick your people and your projects wisely, make time for yourself and do what you need to do to recharge your batteries, just like you have to do for your damn phone.
Now sit with your eyes closed, inhale to the count of four, pause for the count of four and sigh out your breath for the count of five. Repeat for four more times, or as many as you need in the moment. Repeat to yourself: I am enough, I do enough, peace flows within me.
You are ENOUGH!
XO
Titanium
Friday FIVE!
Alright the Friday FIVE is here:
1: Quote I am pondering:
"You have to do more than be weighed down by pretty or beautiful.. You are a fiery heart and wicked brain. Do not let your soul be defined by its shell."
2: Book: Written in My Own Hearts Blood by Diana Gabaldon on audible.. The story of Claire and Jamie continues...
3: Podcast: Real Talk Radio with Nicole Antoinette, I am digging finding all of these new to me women podcasters and podcasts for women. While I love Tim Ferriss and his style, he has way more men than women. Research, research, research!!
4: The new Power Jean from Old Navy, (also known as the True Straight), I like the cut and fit and the fabrication, plenty of stretch for this yoga stretchy pant girl.
5: Pinterest, not just to get sucked into all the everything ever on the site (although there's that too), but creating a space to post all of my Titanium Blonde stuff too and learning how to make it one more part of how I get my message out into the world.
Go and have a fabbydoodle weekend and laugh until you almost pee, stop and soak up all the beauty around you in one small moment in time and do something that fuels your passion for at least part of your weekend...
XO
Titanium
And just because I want you to think of something sweet without all the drama check this recipe:
https://www.texanerin.com/berry-bars/
Thoughts on the Day 3/8/18
The road ahead....
I have been thinking a lot about healthy aging and what that looks like. Now let's chat about that word "aging" , because we are all aging every single day, no matter how old we are. I have spent a lot of my yoga career learning how to help others live better with yoga, heal from injuries and joint replacement and just undo the demands we all place on our bodies every single day. I am personally over the age of 50 and seeking to find the ways to mitigate a life lived as a full contact sport for a vast majority of it and a lot of my regular yoga students are mid-life and older as well.
As younger people we think only in terms of what we want to do, learning how to be more proficient at a sport, a hobby, an interest without really thinking about the consequences long term of what we may put our body through. We all come through life with the collective bumps, bruises, breaks, accidents, surgeries, you name it, whatever you body goes through over the years, your body houses it. Not only does the body hold all of that, it leaves an imprint on the body, wear and tear can show up from repetitive motion, injuries and accidents that we ignore and heal from quickly when we are young, come back to haunt us later in life.
The reality is that the body as it ages doesn't heal as quickly as it used to, habits of movement create patterns that lead to issues over time and some don't want to admit that they need to treat themselves with better care... I learned after playing softball for almost 40 years that though my mind still said I could do it at the same level, my body had a different message, "Are you fucking CRAZY!!" I decided to stop playing because I couldn't play at the level I was used to and I also wanted to be sure that I didn't do something that would hinder my ability to continue teaching yoga, travel to all of my dream locations, walk as much as I want, lift weights and have my own personal yoga practice.
Healthy aging is becoming more of a concern as we try to live our lives with as much freedom, flexibility and independence as possible. The sooner we start thinking about healthy aging, the better the odds for a longer, more mobile lifestyle down the road. A yoga practice will go a long way to helping with healthy aging and the sooner you have the practice, the more you set yourself up to be in pretty good shape. It doesn't mean that starting a yoga practice later in life is not worthy, it so is worthy. I have worked with people of varying ages and had newbies step into my class that are 60, 70 and beyond. Yoga can help you build stamina, stability, balance, agility (depending on your practice) and help unwind years of just living life. The practice changes over time as the body changes, one of the things that diminishes with age is balance, but it is also one of the things that with a consistent and regular practice that you can improve!
I'm not saying to live your life in a bubble and not do the things you love and experience all of the life you desire... What I am saying is to try to mitigate and care for your body over time with healthy practices so that you can continue to do all of the things that you want to do in your long life. Falling is the main concern of most of my older students. A lot of them have lost or forgotten their connection to their core muscles and moving into and out from the core. Those muscles help stabilize your hips, pelvis and spine and they need attention in order to stay strong and functioning at a high level. Did you know that the most at risk age group for falling is 55-65? Why you might be wondering, well that is the age group that is still working, maybe still raising a family and/or taking care of aging family members, still doing activities and rushing around living life. The body is changing during those years and if you are not tuned in to what is going on and paying attention, falling is a real possibility. Again yoga can help with your balance and your mind/body connection and awareness, but it takes consistent, regular practice.
Here's one more interesting fact, we all have nerve sensors in our feet that help us find stability, balance and agility. Did you know that wearing shoes most of the time deadens those nerve receptors over time so that they are not as responsive?? I know a lot of older people who wear shoes most of the time, even if they are just inside their home. I would offer that you spend a whole lot more time barefoot both in your home and outside in the grass, the sand, the dirt. Revive those sensors in your feet, do some rooting and grounding down into the earth and keep your stability, balance and agility as strong as you can for as long as you can.
Healthy aging can start at any age, the more you do to care for your body and the stresses and demands of living life, the more it can reward you with freedom of movement, balance and stability. If yoga isn't your jam, find another practice that help you maintain all of those, but do yourself a favor and find something you can stick with for the long haul. I don't just have a 25 year yoga practice, I have a practice that I love and that is a totally new thing every time I step on to my mat with curiosity and openness to what my body has to say in that very moment. That very practice has set me up for a better road ahead I believe. And yes, I would rather be barefoot than anything else.
XO
Titanium
Woman of the Week: Mary Ann
Please welcome our Woman of the Week, Mary Ann. You will find her a very positive and uplifting woman. She always has a nice comment, a supportive word and incredibly kind feelings to share. Here interview is below..
1: If you could have a gigantic billboard anywhere with anything on it, what would it say and why?
Be thankful, always.
t makes life so much easier, allowing us to be grateful for every little thing.
2: In the last five years what have you become better at saying no to?
I've become great at being able to turn down a date and not feel guilty. It's been liberating!
3: What advice would you give to a smart, driven college student about to enter the "real world"?
Don't be afraid to pursue your dream job. Remember...Everyone has to learn at some point. Never have I known anyone that can just step into a job and do it without asking some questions. It's really okay.
4: What is one of the best or most worthwhile investments you've ever made? (it doesn't need be financial in nature)
The best investment I've every made was the time I've used being mother. Never have I doubted or regretted that choice. Seeing the remarkable adults my children are now and the positive impact they make on this world made it very worth while.
5: In the last five years, what new belief, behavior, or habit has most improved your life?
Not being afraid of so many things. Reminding myself when I have a difficult day that those feelings and circumstance are just temporary. Tomorrow always offers me a fresh start again.
6: How has a failure, or apparent failure set you up for later success? Do you have a favorite failure of yours?
I don't consider things that didn't turn out as planned to be failure anymore. I've found that for myself, when I refer to it as a lesson instead, it is much easier to deal with and by doing so in turn boosts my self worth! Those "lessons" have been my greatest teachers. My biggest challenge was my divorce in 2007. I had to pull myself up through an emotional grave to find and be able to love myself again. I took my maiden name back which brought along with it a tremendous amount of dignity. I've moved forward from that and do my best to find joy in each day.
7: What purchase of $100 or less has most positively impacted your life in the last six months or in recent memory?
A positive purchase of less that $100 was a gift card I bought for one of my daughters from Starbucks. She cried when I gave it to her. I know she needs to be able to get out of the house. Even if it's for a few minutes to go and get something just for herself. She said each time she uses it she thinks of me and knows how much I love her. I know it may not seem "huge" to some, but it really is the little things that count.
8: When you feel overwhelmed or unfocused, what do you do?
When I'm overwhelmed I first withdraw and focus on my breathing. Making myself aware of my surroundings that all is actually calm around me. I feel comforted when I embrace the good energy that surrounds me. Reminding myself where I came from, what I'm capable of and allowing myself to glean from my mind and heart knowing that I have loving family and friends who love me unconditionally.
9: What is the book (or books) you've given most as a gift and why? Or what are one to three books that have greatly influence your life?
I've not given books to anyone besides children's books to my daughters for their little's. For me though, Anne of Green Gables series has been wonderful! I love how life threw trials in her way but she chose to keep those "rose colored glasses" on and look at things in a positive way instead. During my lifetime I've literally been criticized and questioned about my Pollyanna attitude. I have difficult days just like anyone else and have had things happen during my lifetime that I wouldn't wish on a soul. It's an intentional choice I make to be optimistic and work daily to find joy in life.
10: What is one piece of advice you would give to a woman that you wish you knew earlier in life?
Everything will be okay.
11: What do you think about the theory of "the love of your life", what does that phrase me to you?
The love of my life theory. To me, and for me it would be a man. One who I would feel sparked my soul, not necessarily my heart. One whom I can trust and be able to be a complete dork around without worrying he'd think I've lost my mind. A man where I feel safe and at home with when I'm in his embrace. To wake to in the morning, seeing the warm sun on his face and reminding myself how wonderful it is to have such a loving person in my life
12: What is something that you would find most helpful in your life right now? (what would be the best problem solved for you)
The best thing I could have in my life at the moment would be a good job so I wouldn't worry about meeting my monthly financial obligations. Searching is stressful for me and I've had to focus and not let that upset me. I'm thankful I have the skills that I do and know eventually I'll find the perfect one.
Thank you so much Mary Ann for your thoughtful answers, I am so glad that you joined the group and were willing to take the time to do the interview.
XO
Titanium
Tuesday Titanium Tidbit 3/6/18
Video Tidbit
Friday Five!
Here are a few things that I have been thinking about this week. Well FIVE things...
1: Podcast: Pod Save America, one of my favorite podcasts, these guys make me laugh just as much as they talk about politics.
2: Quote: "a woman state of mind" from Tanya Markul.
3: Book: It's a tie between: the she book by, Tanya Markul and Fascia, what is it and why is it matters by, David Lesondak. Some woman poetry and some powerful information about taking care of your body for the long run.
4: Movie: Three Billboards outside Ebbing Missouri, incredibly powerful and lord do I love Francis McDormand.
5: Hearing some of my yoga students tell me that my Friday noontime class is a safe space to practice the kind of yoga that works for everyone there because they have me telling them to explore where they are and make adjustments as they need. It is a wonderful way to play yoga with an incredible group of people, who bring such great energy when they walk in the room.
Happy Weekend to you all, I hope you are going to do something at some point that you love and with someone you love.
XO
Titanium
PS: Plus one for food. this sounds yummy: https://www.mynewroots.org/site/2014/01/coconut-black-rice-breakfast-pudding/
Woman of the Week: Sonja
Please welcome this weeks Woman of the Week, Sonja. I met Sonja back in my old WaMu days and we have stayed in touch all these years... Her interview below:
1: If you could have a gigantic billboard anywhere with anything on it, what would it say and why?
Live life now.
And Be Nice.
:)
2: In the last five years what have you become better at saying no to?
Perfect.
Commitments on my time.
3: What advice would you give to a smart, driven college student about to enter the "real world"?
Find the real you. Authenticity drives happiness and draws the right people to you (not money, title, and things).
4: What is one of the best or most worthwhile investments you've ever made? (it doesn't need be financial in nature)
My kids. They (force) teach me lessons in: Patience. Selflessness. Love. Humor. Wonder.
5: In the last five years, what new belief, behavior, or habit has most improved your life?
Saying no. Understanding my limits and saying no to extra projects at work and extra projects at home.
6: How has a failure, or apparent failure set you up for later success? Do you have a favorite failure of yours?
I love the idea of a "favorite failure"... perhaps I need to try to fail more!
The failure that stands out was my first marriage - I was lured by first love and someone loving me. But those aren't enough ingredients for long-time happiness.
I learned and embraced that life is too short to not be happy.
Telling someone I loved (just not in "that" way) that I wanted a divorce was the hardest thing for me to do. (but I did it!)
That lead me onto a path of lot of soul searching and inspired me to take control of my happiness and figure out who Sonja really is (which is still in progress). It also helped me to find my voice to ask for what I need and not settle.
It took me on adventures to Portland, San Francisco, an MBA and finally a move home to Seattle. And those adventures taught me that I can succeed at anything I put my heart and mind to.
It removed the self-imposed barriers of fear of failure.
I know I'll be all right with whatever life throws at me.
7: What purchase of $100 or less has most positively impacted your life in the last six months or in recent memory?
I think the biggest impact in my life along these lines are the things I've been able to give away and release out of my life via my Buy Nothing community group.
I worry about the world and the environment - all the pollution and resources that are being destructed to give us "things".
Also, our family of 4 humans, 1 dog, 2 cats and 2 bunnies in our tiny little house -- the "stuff" just brings more stress in our lives.
So, being able to give new life to our existing "stuff" as someone else's treasure is thrilling & rewarding.
[okay, and it's also thrilling to receive a perfect "something" for free!]
8: When you feel overwhelmed or unfocused, what do you do?
There's what I should do, and what I do do.
What do I do? Glass of wine.
What I want to do? Walk, stretch, meditate. Create art. Find never ending patience. (or 4 out of 5)
9: What is the book (or books) you've given most as a gift and why? Or what are one to three books that have greatly influence your life?
Recommendations please!
10: What is one piece of advice you would give to a woman that you wish you knew earlier in life?
Radiate your genuine, authentic self.
Be yourself; it doesn't matter what other people think (and likely, are too wrapped up in themselves to notice).
It's your true self that attracts the people you want in your life. Trying to be something you're not (i.e., inauthenticity) just makes everyone confused. :)
11: What do you think about the theory of "the love of your life", what does that phrase me to you?
I've been pretty pessimistic of this theory of a singular, perfect love - But creating and sustaining love with people you want in your life, is worth it.
12: What is something that you would find most helpful in your life right now? (what would be the best problem solved for you)
More time. More time to get stuff done but also more time to relax and read books that help inspire me to be a better, smarter person (recommendations please) is what I would love to have in my life.
Thank you Sonja for your honest and heartfelt answers... I left you some book recommendations last Friday in the group, now we just need to help you find that time to give yourself for reading. Even if it is just 20 minutes a day.
Thoughts on the Day 2/26/18
Time... I have been hearing a lot about time lately. Getting there on time, setting a time, scheduled, traffic time, this time, that time, how many hours of sleep... What I keep hearing from people I know is that they wish they had more time. More time to do what they want, to rest, to read, to create, to play, to laze.
I get it, I wish there was more time for all of that too. I don't spend as much time commuting for work anymore. I used to take the ferry every day in to Seattle, which was a great amount of time to read, rest, knit, write, relax, talk to friends before I got home. Now I drive more time to get to my yoga classes and my day job is just a 5 minute walk from my door. It's a luxury I truly appreciate. I have had to learn to make time to read, write, meditate, sleep, work on my side hustle. It hasn't been easy, there are days I just have to give myself permission to sit on the couch at the end of the day and just veg out. I have to let myself be ok with not always doing something else when I get home, because we also need veg time, rest time and not just sleep time, but rest time. It's hard for me not to beat myself up over the fact that I 'should' be getting something done. There's that damn word again 'should'... I am getting better however, being so sick for the last three and a half years I didn't have a choice, I had to rest.
So for those out there trying to figure out how to carve out some time in between the job, the relationship, the kids, the pets, the house chores, the food shopping and cooking, have you really looked at your day to see where you might be missing some time to yourself? Even if it is just 20 minutes. Are you so in the habit of just doing all that you do that you have forgotten how vital it is to your self care and mental health that you make time for yourself first and foremost? You can't keep giving to everyone out there if you don't take the time to charge up your battery. In my case and for many others, we try to do too many things at once to make that time happen. The list is too robust because we really want to do it all... I have found that just winnowing it down to one thing at a time has been incredibly helpful. As the classic energizer bunny that was a hard thing to do. So far it is working out pretty good and because I have been consistent with it, I have found some extra energy to do a few other things after that one thing.
I chose meditation because I believe it was the most natural place to start. Why you might be wondering, well for me I have been a meditator off and on for several years. Not always at the same time of day and not always successful (in my own estimation), but kept at it. I would take a break for awhile and then come back to it and say to myself, "Sherry, you know this makes you feel good, what the hell is your problem with just committing to doing this every morning for 15 minutes!!" So this time I decided to do just that and got myself some tools to help with that. I downloaded two different apps, the insight timer and the 1 Giant Mind app. I like them both for different reasons and have learned so much about myself and my meditation style and some great input that I never expected.
I have found that after 30 days of consistent meditation that I have had good sits and not so good sits. I have learned to give myself permission to explore a little more about what I expect and let go of some of those expectations and just go with what shows up. I have to say it is getting easier, not that there haven't been some bumpy days, there most certainly have, but overall it has been better than I ever anticipated it would. I have also started doing a group meditation once a week, which I have never done before and am finding that I am enjoying it more than I thought I would. I also have found that for me and my present situation that laying down works better than sitting for a calm and relaxed meditation practice. I don't fall asleep and it gives my body the chance to deeply relax and release tension and I come out of the practice feeling so energized and relaxed.
It's 15 minutes of my day that I do before I get out of my nice warm bed for the day and it sets me up for a better day. I am going to give myself another 30 days at this before I decide what the next tweak I want to do to my schedule is. Honestly I have been doing some other practices as test models for what resonates and what doesn't. I got rid of my TV service over the summer and I used my Apple TV to watch what things I actually enjoy and stop paying a large sum of money for something that I wasn't really using. I find myself listening to music more often, podcasts (Oh my goodness, all the podcasts ever, amen), audible books and reading either on my Kindle app or a real book. I have found I go to bed at a better hour and get better sleep when I don't spend hours at night watching TV.
Some suggestions: pick one thing that you want to explore doing more of, whether it is reading, yoga, meditation, art, whatever it is that speaks to you try to add just one hour a week to doing more of that and see how you do. Once you get the feeling of enjoyment out of whatever it is, you might find yourself making more time. Start small, give yourself room to live it and try it and see how it feels. You can always change your mind on whatever it is and sometimes you may have to alter your plans, but you owe it to yourself to at least try. You will thank yourself after, and so might the others in life you when they see you smiling, relaxed and happy.
You are so worth the investment in yourself, you just have to decide that you really are...
XO
Titanium
Thoughts on the Day 2/23/18
Let's have a little chat about the word AMBITION...
I'm not sure if the women out there reading this have ever had someone tell them they were too ambitious, or if they were thwarted over the years by someone who was threatened by their ambition, or let's just talk about over ambitious women who plowed right over another woman on her way to the top. Yeah I just went there...
I like many women of my generation were not encouraged when it came to math and science classes and I naturally was drawn to more creative topics like writing and art. I didn't love math, in fact I sucked at math and failed college algebra twice. That could have been because I didn't go to class regularly but I really didn't love math, I still don't. I made some choices in my life, I had a baby young, went through a hard divorce and went back to college as a single mother with a baby. I made choices over the years that would keep me close to home and gave me time with my girl. I did on occasion work in big corporate, this was never really my gig either.
During one stretch in big corporate I had one of the best managers I have ever had in my long working career. She was incredibly intelligent, had been working in her industry for years and knew her shit. There was another woman, not quite so talented and I could never put my finger on it, but I didn't trust her from the first time I met her. In her drive to make herself more successful with the higher ups, she did some shitty things to my manager and took some credit where it wasn't hers to own. You see, I don't do bullshit well. I don't care how much money you make, or what your title is, or who you think you are, if you bring the bullshit, I will not ever put up with it. If that means I don't work for you anymore, well then that is probably a good thing. Most people in certain corporate environments love to flaunt their titles and pretend they know what the hell they are doing. I have found many of them lacking in even the most modicum of management skills. Needless to say I didn't last long in big corporate either time I tried it. It is just too much bullshit for me, too many people who want to walk all over others in their march to the top and piss poor management. Keep in mind this was just my experience.
I worked for a brief period of time for a start up online sales business. They grew out of something small into something very big in a very short time period. I had experience in a certain aspect that they were looking for, but in a totally different environment. I took a chance on a young company, with young management and a lot of young people working there. I was 50 at the time and thinking moving back into a bigger arena might give me some challenge and up my earnings potential. It was a nightmare to say the least and after just 9 months, I ran laughing out of that door. The stress and strain and ridiculous expectations around working 50-70 hours per week, being required to take my laptop home every night, and the shitty management practices were more than I could stand. I was harassed by a fellow employee and my manager, treated like shit and when I went to HR to lodge a complaint. At first I got some push back and then later was told that I was dealing with a serious harassment issue. No shit, ya think... This HR manager left shortly after this I might add and it was the third HR manager in as many years at that point in time.
I told my manager what I was doing and told her why. I told her that I was done trying to work with her or the employee who repeatedly harassed me and I learned she had done the same to others and was still there because she was a top earner. My manager tried to dissuade me until I told her that her friendship with this other employee meant that she couldn't be objective and she knew about it and let it continue, that she had treated me shitty when I asked for her help and really needed to learn how to manage better than she presently was doing. Needless to say, I ended up leaving, I just couldn't take the stress and the bullshit anymore and I saw so many other people going through the same thing and staying. Why did they stay? I think some of them were afraid of looking for another job, and felt this was their only option. All I know is that there was a training right before I left about harassment. I like to think I had a little something to do with that, not that anything really changed.
Am I ambitious, yes to a point. I was never after the accolades of position or title, I just wanted to have a decent job so that I could support my daughter and myself. The rest of it, really didn't matter to me. I certainly would never step all over anyone else to get somewhere. I follow passion more than ambition. The more I love something, the stronger I feel about it, the more I want to do it. It's part of why I started teaching yoga and why I continue to learn and grow as an instructor. I am passionate about helping others live a better life in their bodies, especially as we age. I am passionate about helping others heal and find movement they never thought they could achieve. While I enjoy having cash flow, that isn't what fuels my passion. Have I stumbled along over the years due to lack of money, yes I have. Have I lost everything and had to start all over, yes, more than once. I have learned that in order to succeed for myself I have to feel passionate about, be fueled by learning something that stimulates my creativity. I can do jobs I don't love and make the paycheck and do the work because I have to, but finding that sweet spot where I can blend my passion, creativity and skills into something that not only pays the bills but gives me some fuel for my passion fire, now that takes the cake. Every.. Single... Time...
To me passion is ambition, but coming from a place of creativity, a fire burning in your belly, sharing with others, creating change for the better. Maybe I am missing something but I think that some of the best inventions and leaps forward came out of passionate, creative thinking and a whole boat load of failure before it happened.
Go, DO, BE, follow your heart of hearts, fall down, make mistakes, learn some shit and find what speaks to you on a deeper level for more meaning. I mean we spend a lot of time at a job, why not try to find what actually makes you feel like you are doing something that not only feeds you both literally and figuratively, but also helps others, creates community and just maybe changes the world a little tiny bit. What that is, well that is uniquely personal to every single person. Doing some serious thinking about what you are doing, how you are feeling and whether you want to continue or try the reinvention that may just totally change your life. It's never too late to find what really moves you, never...
XO
Titanium
Thoughts on the Day 2/22/18
When.....
Through out my yoga life I have been taught and heard and even teach myself about focusing on the "what" and the "why" and letting go of the "how" and the "when". While that works very well when trying to visualize the life you want or something you want to manifest, the other side of the spectrum is learning about when in your day you are most effective and how to maximize that.
I am in the middle of listening to a new book on audible by Daniel H. Pink called When: The scientific secrets of perfect timing. Not only do you get the digital book, but you get a 68 page PDF that helps you determine your ideal times of the day to be most effective depending on what you are doing. He talks about also taking breaks during the day, getting exercise, getting outside, taking social breaks. It has been such a great listen/read so far.
As I continue to try to do everything in a day that I want to do and not lose my mind or forget what the hell I am doing, I am working on several different ways of managing my time. So far I haven't hit on just the exact right set up yet, but I am enjoying trying things out and seeing what works and what doesn't. I am finally getting some consistent better sleep and that is helping more than anything. I have a lot of moving parts in my day and I want to be most effective at planning when best to tackle any one of those moving parts.
As I move deeper into building this community out for others who are seeking community and the support for living a full, unapologetic and authentic life, I will be sharing some of what I feel is the best, where I have tweaked to make it work best for me and giving others options to find their own best path. I look at this time management as some of the best self care that we can do for ourselves. Yes there will be days when our schedule will be shot to shit, but if we set ourselves up to be supported by a plan that we try to move with each day, it creates a space with more room for those unexpected little glitches that come along. It also means that we can weather those schedule bumps with a little less stress and think creatively instead of having a come apart.
What I do know is that movement is a huge part of this. Especially for those that sit most of the day at a desk and/or computer. Taking time for even a 5 minute walk can boost your effective productivity and clear your mind so that you can focus better on the task at hand. Taking a walk outside or around the office but out of your personal space, meeting a friend or co-worker for coffee and talking about anything BUT work! A regular daily exercise practice goes with this, but these shorter walks and breaks are key to keeping you present and on task.
So as I continue to work on my side hustle, teach yoga and work the day job, I have quite a task to figure out just when and how to be my most effective. I find the better I take care of myself, the better I do with my schedule and feeling successful. More on this later, but try seeing if you can schedule some time blocks in your day. Maybe 60-90 minutes of work time and a 10 minute break. Studies show that anything more than 90 minutes and we really are no longer effective and attentive to what we are doing. Do some deep breathing throughout the day, taking your eyes off of your screen, closing them and inhaling to the count of four and exhale to the count of five, repeat up to five times and see how you feel. Leave me a comment below to let me know how you are doing!
XO
Titanium
Woman of the Week: Jennifer
Please welcome Jennifer as our Woman of the Week this week. She is a long time friend and confidant and someone who though she has had many trials and sadness, has moved her way through those spaces to a happy, loving place in her life. She is a grandmother to two, soon to be three grandchildren, made a major move back to her hometown after 30 years away and is blazing her trail in a reinvented life for herself. Below are her interview answers.
1: If you could have a gigantic billboard anywhere with anything on it, what would it say and why? My favorite quote:
Only God can turn a MESS into a Message, a TEST into a Testimony, a TRIAL into a Triumph and a VICTIM into a Victory.
2: In the last five years what have you become better at saying no to?
Negativity! As women we tend to be our own worse enemies and seem to allow the negative thoughts from the outside to define ourselves. I'm now able, through much growth, hurt and just plain tired of judgmental and negative people, to allow myself to say "NO" to that reflection of who I am.
3: What advice would you give to a smart, driven college student about to enter the "real world"?
Work hard and don't EXPECT the world to give you what you want! Go into the world with kindness but firmness, grace but not weakness, strength without judgment and compassion to not "save the world" yet give through your abilities in your community.
4: What is one of the best or most worthwhile investments you've ever made? (it doesn't need be financial in nature)
My greatest investment have been my children! People have criticized me for being my children's "friends". Yet through that relationship of mutual respect and really getting to know my children "as a friend" we were able to share many good and often trying times together with honesty, understanding and non-judgmental attitudes. But, also as being their friend, I demanded those qualities that I gave and set boundaries for which they knew they could not cross. All 4 kids are happy, healthy and well adjusted adults...so it worked for us and most importantly they always knew they had a safe place to come, and still do.
5: In the last five years, what new belief, behavior, or habit has most improved your life?
Oh boy, well the last 5 years my life has pretty much been a transformation of every belief, behavior and habit that ever existed prior. March 15 will be exactly 5 years I said goodbye to the love of my life of 30 years. Of course, #1 is my Christian faith that has "improved"? Not sure that's the right word...STRENGTHENED is better. I suppose "behavior and habit" has been my grieving. My "new normal" became a daily struggle and until I sought a way to grasp my grief did I IMPROVE. I became a certified grief recovery specialist and was able to not only heal my grief but can share with the world...hope, healing and recovery, from the horrible burden grief takes from us daily....THAT has improved my life completely!
6: How has a failure, or apparent failure set you up for later success? Do you have a favorite failure of yours?
Oh gosh, I feel I fail daily. Am I a good person, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, partner? I try really hard not to focus on failures because it creates a vision we see in ourselves that is almost always untrue. And I live my life with NO REGRETS! Again, that just creates a bitterness in our minds and hearts that we often can't recover from. I find too, that if we focus on all the things we didn't do right it might keep us from all the things we are meant to do and be.
7: What purchase of $100 or less has most positively impacted your life in the last six months or in recent memory?
When Bud was sick he couldn't work much and our business was barely hanging on. So the first Christmas after his diagnosis I remember telling the children that I didn't have any money to buy them gifts. But to keep it light hearted, I told them they could each have $5.00 and I'd take them to the Dollar Store and they'd get FIVE things! Half joking/half serious...we really didn't even have five dollars for each of them. So a few days later I decided that even though we wouldn't have gifts I could at least decorate the house for Christmas. As I was hanging garland around the front door, I hear a car door shut. I look out and it's our pastor from church. We chatted a few minutes and he hands me an envelope. I open it and there is a check for $2,000. I broke down into tears and explained the "dollar store" story to him and replies, well now you can buy them something more than that. So maybe it wasn't a purchase of $100 or less as your question states but the story is PRICELESS! How faith in things yet seen and how just cherishing your family, matters more than $5.00 or even $2,000.
8: When you feel overwhelmed or unfocused, what do you do?
PRAY! My faith has sustained me through life's most difficult times. It is in those times that I have seen first hand, when I am on my knees asking for clarity and answers that I feel the grace of God covering me. Faith is not always about getting the answers we desire, yet finding the blessings in each new day that require all the answers we need.
9: What is the book (or books) you've given most as a gift and why? Or what are one to three books that have greatly influence your life?
The bible has given me the "road map" of life. The words and scripture help me navigate this world. If it is about being more "Christ-like" or finding the assurance in His word to bring me comfort, love and my eternity in heaven.
10: What is one piece of advice you would give to a woman that you wish you knew earlier in life?
Oh by all means...Cherish those around you! Start each day with a thankful heart for the blessings you have. Be it family, pets, job, home or just by being given another day to breath. And don't sweat the small stuff. I know we are human and we all get irritated with life and maybe those people in our lives. But take it from me, the small things don't mean crap! What matters is the life you have, the people in them and the day you get to live with it all. And lastly, forgive and forgive and forgive...often!! Don't hold on to hate and disappointments in your life. It will eat you alive. For in the end, all that really matters is your heart full of love, your mind full of joy and your soul full of peace.
11: What do you think about the theory of "the love of your life", what does that phrase me to you?
Well having had "the love of my life" it means everything to me. I even wrote a poem that I read at Bud's funeral entitled "Once in a lifetime". He was and always will be the love of my life. Yet as I sit today, I have been blessed with another love, in my life. But perhaps, as I see it, pertaining to a human/man love, that might not mean the same to everyone. I think we can have many different kinds of "loves" in our life that would be defined as "the love of your life". People often told me after Bud passed away how lucky I was to have had that love in my life for 30 years, that some people don't EVER experiences that. It gave me pause a minute to firstly, yes, be thankful for it, but secondly, I think we can define love with other things in our life. Finding and acknowledging "the love of your life" can be different for some.
12: What is something that you would find most helpful in your life right now? (what would be the best problem solved for you)
My life is very content. I have lived a thousand lives in the past 5 years. I've said goodbye to the greatest man I've ever known, I've been able to find the courage to walk away from people that were judging me, I've moved back home, I've been blessed with 4 amazing children, 2 in-law children and 2 (with one on the way) grandchildren and found love again. But most importantly, I've healed from my grief. I learned that forgiving the past, letting go of the future that will never be (with Bud) has brought me to living solely in the PRESENT MOMENT. My peace is my refuge, my journey is my lesson and my message is my purpose...someday for the world to read in my book.
Thanks Jen for your thought and care in your answers. I so appreciate your friendship, honesty, open heart and willingness to share parts of you life. Your big heart will continue to draw love to you every single day.
XO
Titanium
Thoughts on the Day 2/20/18
For the days when you need a little reminder that you do indeed got this...
Yesterday was a serious Monday of the Monday's... Things didn't go as planned, some disturbing things happened at work and I felt jittery and out of sorts all day. I have been practicing my meditation every morning before I get up and it's working great but all of that calm zen seemed to dissipate when things got out of control at work. I just couldn't shake that bad day feeling all day, no matter what I tried and then I got down on myself for not handling things better or getting more exercise, or maybe doing another quick meditation or some yoga. I feel like I am forgetting things I should easily remember and I am just out of sorts.
Last night before bed I did some quiet time, some deep breathing, I had some good food when I got home late from work and told myself it was just a day and tomorrow I will do better with managing my time, taking breaths, getting my exercise in and since I teach twice I will have to slow down and get in the yoga groove. You know that feeling you get when you play a card game and you end up with too many cards in your hand and it's hard to hold them all and see them clearly. Yeah that was yesterday...
Today is better, even though my meditation was interrupted towards the end. I taught a wonderful group of people yoga this morning, the traffic didn't give me anxiety and outbursts of yelling at stupid drivers and well it's payday so I am everyone's favorite person and my bank account has the cash flow in again... I'm working on visualizing just what I want and seeing it, feeling it and living it. I was contacted by an incredibly interesting woman for a yoga private session and I have this feeling she is going to impart all sorts of wisdom from her 73 years of living. And...... tomorrow is Woman of the Week...
If you are finding your days challenging, try to slow down, take some deep breaths and get outside for a quick walk, even 10 minutes is proven to help you feel better, be more effective in your work and bring a spring to your step. YOU GOT THIS!!!
XO
Titanium
Woman of the Week: Sharon
Welcome to this weeks Woman of the Week
This week I welcome Sharon, who I went to high school with. We managed to connect back up several years ago on Facebook and I am so happy to have her a part of my life as a grown up. This list of questions are ones that I pulled from Tim Ferriss's book Tribe of Mentors and a few added in of my own. And here we go....
1: If you could have a gigantic billboard anywhere with anything on it, what would it say and why?
"Every day is a gift from God. There's always something to be grateful for. Enjoy something about today." With the difficult times we live in, it's important to remember that life is a gift and there's always something to be thankful for. It truly could be worse, and so much of our joy can come from having the right attitude and to be thankful.
2: In the last five years what you become better at saying no to?
Having people in my life who are toxic. I have realized that while I can still be kind, I do not need to let them in. I will not allow them to suck the joy from my life.
3: What advice would you give to a smart, driven college student about to enter the "real world"?
Stay true to yourself. Know your priorities for life. Have balance in your life. Work hard for what you want, but make sure you leave time for you. It's not all going to come at once, be prepared, you will have to pay your dues, but if you buckle down, work hard and play fair good things will come.
4: What is one of the best or most worthwhile investments you've ever made? (it doesn't have to be financial in nature)
Time and energy into my husband and children and my other relationships and friendships. I will never regret it. My husband and I enjoy a deep meaningful relationship today based on layers of foundation we have built over all of these years. I'm thankful that I had the sense to stop and smell the roses when the kids were little. If they wanted me to come watch them ride their bike over a jump, I always stopped what I was doing to go watch them. I knew those moments were fleeting. I heard someone say that the only thing we can take to heaven is our relationships and I believe it.
5: In the last five years, what new belief, behavior, or habit has most improved your life?
I've been through a journey the past several years of life not turning out the way I had hoped when I was younger. I have learned to let those unrealistic expectations go and be thankful for the good things I do have. I have dealt with my parents and my mother-in-law dying and these deep loses have changed me. While I mourn their loss, I treasure what they brought into my life and it makes me think about what I want to give to my children and grandchildren.
6: How has a failure, or or apparent failure set you up for later success? Do you have a favorite failure of yours?
I can't think of a huge obvious failure, but I have small ones all the time and I do learn from them! I believe failure is good because we are often times humbled by it and learn from it.
7: What purchase of $100 or less has most positively impacted your life in the last six months or in recent memory?
I would say money invested in a big family dinner. Bringing family together is so important to me and it's a wonderful gift to pass to my grandchildren.
8: When you feel overwhelmed or unfocused, what do you do?
I pray, read my Bible and listen to worship music.
9: What is the book (or books) you've given most as a gift and why? Or what are one to three books that have greatly influenced your life?
I give the Bible and a little daily devotional called Streams in the Desert because they are so encouraging and life changing. I try to read my Bible or a devotional every day, God's word is alive and true and speaks to my heart every time I read it!
10: What is one piece of advice you would give to a woman that you wish you knew earlier in life?
Don't sweat the small stuff? Don't waste your time thinking you're not good enough because you are! Concentrate on your positive traits and your gifts and work on the things you can, but don't engage in self-hate or self-sabotage!
11: What do you think about the theory of "the love of your life", what does that phrase mean to you?
For me it's my husband, Eric. I met him when I was 16 and we've been together ever since. He is my one true love.
12: What is something that you would find most helpful in your life right now? (what would be the best problem solved for you)
More self acceptance. I'm working on it! Accepting who I am and how I am made.
Thank you Sharon for taking the time to thoughtfully answer the questions and share a part of your life with us. I have found it to be the most interesting and fun thing to connect back up with the people I knew from back in the day, we've all grown and changed with the years, lived life, had adventures, ups and downs and have so much wisdom learned along the way. I picked Sharon for this week because we had a discussion recently about what she felt were some things that were pivotal in her long marriage. Her answers were insightful and filled with love and on this Valentine's Day I wanted to make sure we all had a little more love. What came up for me while reading her words is that she also has a very deep love of family and her religion, she has found what fills her heart and soul.
Check back next week for the next Woman of the Week, living authentic, unapologetic lives.
XO
Titanium
Thoughts on the Day 2/13/18
This lone little sparkler out in the deep water... Shining its light..
I have been thinking lately about the way it must feel when someone gets all their fear in check, gathers up all of their courage and speaks their truth, sometimes at great risk to their reputation and maybe even their delicate mental state or even personal safety... They decide against all of the things that could be telling them not to say anything to step forward and say something and then be met by disbelief. They could be made to feel insignificant, told they are lying, made to feel bad or shamed for saying their truth about something that happened to them. This brave person is rejected, made to believe that they are not worthy of restitution or a judgement in their favor maybe, or that whatever it is that is happening will stop.
I am thinking about the women who stepped forward to tell of their experiences with a trusted medical care provider after years of abuse and when they originally spoke out some were not believed, sometimes even by their own parents. That because they were young at the time that they can't possibly be speaking the truth about someone who is respected and trusted. I can only imagine the emotional upheaval that these young ladies faced. It took too many years for the groups of people, both men and women speaking about abuse and harassment to finally be heard and taken seriously. How many of them cannot step past their fear and speak of what happened, their shame so deep that those words just cannot come out. For those parents to not believe a child, as parents it is their responsibility to protect their child's safety in the world and to not do so is almost as criminal to me as the actual act that occurred. This also involved the entire world of gymnastics who chose to do nothing either, until the stories became so loud that no one could not hear them anymore. I know this happens outside of that world and in many cases goes unreported leading to disaster in some cases.
Then we have women who have come forward to accuse powerful men of harassment and abuse and how many of them were silenced over the years, who felt powerless to do or say anything because they felt no one would believe them. The rush in the last few months of those coming forward that have caused some of those powerful men to have to admit to their behavior. Those women got some press and some people picked up the ball and started talking about those without some of the confidence to speak up for themselves, without the means or the good education and higher paying jobs. Then we have to also look at the man in the highest office in the nation calling every single one of his accusers liars. Even with proof, he still calls them liars and he was elected by those who either chose to believe his version or didn't care enough to do any serious thinking about what that might mean to our nation. When another man in his cabinet is now gone because of multiple reports of abuse, recorded abuse, that he denies, this man who supposedly leads our nation sides with the abuser.
What does this tell our girls, boys, men and women about speaking up about things that have happened to them, about how to treat each other, about how to find some ground to move forward from together as humans? I have always maintained that sexual abuse and harassment is showing how weak the abuser is and less about the victim. The system though slowly moving towards center in reality is still stacked in the abusers favor. Things will only change in this nation and this world if we as a country demand that they do, that we set the standards of zero tolerance, period! No matter who you are, no matter where you live, ZERO.. Until we do that, there will be people that feel they are right in their abuse because someone else is getting away with it. That means you don't get to keep your status in the world, you don't get have freedoms to do as you please.
I believe that the pendulum is slowly swinging from the hard side of masculine toward the center and that many of the white and in some cases rich males in our society are fighting to keep the status quo because they know they are losing ground with being in the power majority. The feminine side of the spectrum is stepping further into the forefront, it has a ways to go and I would offer that we need to be able to be sure that in the rush to move more to that side of the energy that we do not go overboard. Too much of either energy isn't a good thing. While I believe with all my heart that the feminine should stand tall, proud and vocal about righting the so called scales, we need to watch that we don't lose perspective and roll over the good masculine qualities that we desire. I believe that the feminine can only shine with the balance of the masculine and we have to have open dialog and a willingness to come together to work for best of the whole.
Just my two cents worth... And I am a 'Bossie Blonde' who many make assumptions about and in some instances underestimate me. In my effort to do what I know in my heart is right I do push back when pushed, but I also do my best to listen to any rational discourse (rational being key here) and to stand up for those less able to do so when I witness shitty behavior. I cannot and will not stand idly by.
XO
Titanium
Thoughts on the Day 2/12/18
Enough...
It's a simple enough word, but it holds huge emotions around it for many people. How many times during the day do you wonder if what you are doing is enough, at work, at home, in your relationships, your life. How many times do you feel that you are failing or that you are not enough, just as you are in this very moment. How many times does looking at social media make you feel that you and your life are not enough. You may very well know in your head that you are enough, that you are doing enough, but then the memories from the past show up to scroll through like a movie screen of all the times that you felt not enough, ashamed, that someone else shamed you. Why is it as women we believe that we have to be more than enough in order to be recognized, to be listened to and HEARD, to be seen as valuable.
Let's then think about the aging issue on top of all of that... As I get older I feel less inclined to be what anyone else thinks I should be, but sometimes the 'shame reel' starts and I have to do some very hard work to turn the fucker off. As a woman in our society, we are seen as less than in many points in our lives but never more than we become a woman of a 'certain age'... The societal value added of looks starts to diminish, the body doesn't look or feel like it used to and sometimes it takes awhile for the brain to catch up. To accept that you are no longer the demographic with the power, not that as women we have had that much power traditionally anyway..
I spent years working in technology, before many women were working in technology in anything other than support functions. I learned how to build computers from parts, install software, pull wire, install a network, come up with a plan for a client to build out a network that met needs without letting technology run the business. I worked mostly with men and frankly was treated with respect, was offered help and learning opportunities and learned most everything on the job. I flew by the seat of my pants a lot of the time. And while companies listened to me and I was the bridge in the room between the geek speakers and the money people (because they do NOT speak the same language at all), there were times in my career where I wasn't treated with the respect that I deserved and received push back from people who didn't know anything about what the goal was, they just didn't like the 'Bossie Blonde' telling them what they could and couldn't do. It was frustrating, it was hard and some days I was just exhausted by it. I got out of the technology world several years ago, partly due to that behavior, but mostly because I'm more of a people person and spending all day messing around with machines and feeling like I was always behind got real old. I never felt like I knew enough (there's that word again), I didn't feel that driving desire to keep pushing to ride the bleeding edge either.
There have been many times over the years that I have felt less than, not enough, 'different'. As I get older I find that I truly enjoy being different, I don't want to be like or look like everyone else. I don't feel the need to be posting the perfect handstand photo on Instagram to feel like an accomplished yogi and teacher. I have gotten better at learning to appreciate and expand the areas that I excel at and worry less about the things that I don't do as well. Those old reviews at previous jobs where you had to learn your strengths and weaknesses and then figure out a plan to get better at what you are weak at, those were awful. I say focus on what you are good at and then get help with the things that you are not so good at or build out a team that possesses the talents that you are weak in. I learned years ago that a great manager would build out a team that had a varied skill set and work to maximize those skills so that the team as a whole excelled.
Everyday I see and hear of women stepping outside their fears and worries about being enough to do things, follow their dreams and passions to branch out into a life they love. To move beyond old stories from themselves and others and step forward to create a new story. Most learn on the way, make mistakes, pick themselves up and learn and keep moving forward and just keep tweaking and learning and getting better and better along the way. No I am no longer young but that also doesn't mean that I cannot move in the same space, create a life I love, do things I have never done before, take some risks, makes mistakes and not let those stop me and also take the fork in the road if that sounds good too. The only person it has to be enough for is ME.. The 'shame reel' slows my roll and I am not inclined to want to lose momentum, so I do all I need to do to support myself shutting the shame reel off. I've lived some life, learned some stuff and will continue to do both of those things. And I have some really great stories too. I think for women my age we are all learning that we still have so much to offer, that reinvention is still attainable and yes that we are truly ENOUGH, just by being exactly who we are.
XO
Titanium
Thoughts on the Day 2/9/18
This right here... Being a BADASS sometimes needs a little boost from a pep talk. So when you're having a hard day, or several hard days think about this. Say it out loud and look at yourself in the mirror while you do it. Love yourself, you got this...
That is BADASS indeed.
Thoughts on the Day 2/08/18
Creativity..
Merriam Webster definition: 1: the ability to create. 2: the quality of being creative.
I remember at one point in my life feeling that I wasn't creative. I realize now that was my perfectionist voice trying to tell me that whatever I was trying to do wasn't good enough. I have heard others over the years make comments about not feeling creative. I always wondered about that and have been thinking quite a bit lately about what it means to be "creative". I recently was listening to a podcast (I've been quite the podcast listener these days as I learn about them in prep for recording my own podcast soon) and the guest said that it is in our DNA to be creative and that everything that has progressed through time has been someone being creative to solve a problem, bring beauty on some level and sometimes leap frog us further into the future.
I have changed my creative pursuits over the years, from being a maker, to putting together yoga classes to using technology, to decorating my living space and writing words and coloring. I have been creating jewelry for roughly 31 years off and on, I was a quilter for many years and I love a good coloring session for the inspiration it gives me for my jewelry and for lowering my stress. Not always can I say it was to solve a problem, most of my pursuits were driven by my love of color, love of metal and beads and the tactile feeling of those as well as fabrics. While I do less of those things than I used to, it has morphed into creativity around photos for my Instagram for yoga. While I didn't join IG for the purpose of anything other than trying my hand at using my phone to capture photos of things that intrigued me, I found a yoga community in the early days that spurred my personal practice and found a group doing monthly yoga challenges that not only were about posing but also taught me about using apps for editing and taking an interesting photo. While I do very few challenges anymore, the algorithm seems to have squashed my connection to many of the people who were doing them, I still do take some photos of my favorite yoga dock overlooking Puget Sound.
I think about my day job, which is mostly about numbers and reports etc, it is creative in a way that many times I forget to acknowledge. I am, or so I have been told a person who uses both right and left brain fairly equally and evidently according to one person this is sort of rare. Not sure about that but I do know that I can crunch numbers, wade into technology and then look at beautiful photos, create jewelry and create wardrobes of clothing to wear. While I enjoy technology a whole lot, I had to stop working in it, there was too much frustration for me and I always felt behind the bleeding edge technology and the constant connection all day trying to solve problems and fix the things that broke. I have also during the last couple of years gotten very good at planning and implementing events and really do enjoy that. I regularly plan and offer yoga workshops and am working on plans for online options for workshops and doing retreats in places I have always wanted to travel to.
I am sure there are other creative things that show up in the day and I am going to try to pay more attention to what those are and when they show up. Where are you creative in your life? Try looking outside the things you would consider traditionally creative and think about how you problem solve, how you create an environment for yourself etc, you just might surprise yourself with how creative you are.
XO
Titanium
Thoughts on the Day 2/8/18
Change, change and change again...
I used to be a huge resister of change, like dig my heels in fight it tooth and nail and convince myself that I was happy, safe and secure right where I was... Ah but the Universe, she don't fall for any of the horseshit.... Nope, no way. And if you continue to ignore and/or fight it, well it will go on for a long damn time. Just saying. Learning how to navigate and move through change without losing your mind takes practice (there's that word again) and determination and a little bit of blind faith and trust that once you get past the change that something better is there, right there waiting for you. The trick is to try and stay open while you are going through whatever it is that you going through.
I've been through some shitstorms in my time here on earth. Like hold on Bessie the ride is going to scare the bejeebus out of you, so buckle up bitch. A big one when I was young and an even bigger one when I was so not so young... This picture above is from June 2009. I was still hobbling my way through that "holy shit" big change. You know they say that certain events in life can create elevated stress levels if one of them happens. Well in the matter of 3 short weeks I had not one, not two, not three, but FOUR major life changes and my boat wasn't rocked that fucker sank. A lot of the reason I made it through is that woman sitting next to me on that bench in a lovely little town in Italy.
Suffice it to say that meeting her changed my life. I flew across the country to meet her after talking on the phone and stayed with her in her home in Brooklyn for a few days. Then I signed up for her yoga and wine retreat in Italy and flew across the world all by myself to a country where I didn't speak the language and didn't really know where the hell I was going other than Italy. After being up for over 32 hours and finally making it to my room for the night, I promptly sat on the bed in that really nice room and had myself a big ole panic attack. Then I tried to lay down and get some rest before showering and going off to meet another woman who was coming to the retreat, whom I had never met before. Sadie, my friend in the picture, connected us up ahead of time, we chatted via email for a bit and then scheduled a meet up for a little walk and some food. She had been to Rome before thankfully because that city is one big circular hot mess. The streets don't connect, there aren't many street signs and I was panicked I would lose my way and not be able to speak to anyone who could understand me. We ended up having a great time talking and walking and taking pictures of all the sites and finding the little hole in the wall place that the woman in my building recommended. It set the tone for the rest of the trip. She even helped me find my way back to my room for the night, I never would have found it alone.
I was dealing with a very unhappy SI joint for a couple of weeks before I left so I was still in a bit of pain, but this was a life changing trip for me. The first time I had ever flown internationally by myself, the first yoga retreat I had ever been on and I was way outside my comfort zone. I met the most amazing people, had a tremendous time, had one of the most interesting massages I have ever had and experienced the confusion of toilets that are not uniformly created to flush ever. It was a mystery in every bathroom we went to in Italy how to flush, how to turn on the water and the bidet's, don't even get me started. I flew into Germany twice on that trip and I have to love the German's and their efficiency, even with their toilet flushing....
I came back from this trip to more uncertainty than I wanted but something shifted while I was there and I knew without a doubt I would be okay, it might take a bit but I would make it through. I would love to tell you that things were steady after this and while that would be neat and tidy, that certainly isn't the case. My life since has been in flux, not all of the time always, but in a lot of ways not settled for the most part. While I have adjusted to the waves of the last nine years, I still haven't felt like I have come to the place of "arriving". I am still a work in progress, still asking all the questions and especially the last 3.5 years dealing with multiple health crises has been all about survival more than anything else. I have learned to be okay with not having all of the answers, leaping off the cliff and trusting I will find my wings on the way and to trust in myself above all else.
As my health has stabilized, I have found a sense of calm, found a care provider that has empowered me rather than treated me like a child or just thrown one pharmaceutical after the next in an attempt to heal me. My day job while not what I would say is my dream job, it is filled with people that I truly like and enjoy working with in an environment that I feel comfortable in. My yoga still after 15 years gives me a sense of purpose and service to others and I feel that I am still engaged to keep learning and growing as an instructor. My passion project that I am slowly creating and morphing over time is creating a space for my creativity, continued learning and forming a connection that I haven't had in a very long time. I am excited about where it will lead and I find myself in a much different space than I ever anticipated I would be, slow and steady... I am soooo not the slow and steady girl, as my friend Cyn said years ago, "your slow and steady is most people's warp speed!", but I am working at a much slower pace for me. It has taught me all sorts of things along the way and I feel, if not lucky to have been through the fire of hell and back with change, at least a sense of peace and knowing that whatever it is that comes along next, I will do my best to handle it with grace, grit, acceptance and as much peace as I can muster. And some really salty language when I'm having a rough moment in time.
Accept the change, be the change, flow with the change, be one with the change grasshopper. Or just buckle up and hold on with all your might and ride it out and learn something along the way.
Peace
XO
Titanium